This is a topic I posted back in 2010 and it deserves a reblog because whatever I have thought and patiently explained at that time, I stand by every word until today.

Click here. No worries, you won’t be forwarded to porn sites.

Because lately, I’m getting annoyed with the whole ‘guys like innocent girls’ crap. This is flashing right into my face through books, comics and every media so it’s getting to me.

If you are darn lazy to click the link, then I’ll tell you in short.
My 22 year old self was trying to tell the world that a smart and intelligent woman does not necessarily equate to a cunning, evil and manipulative bitch. Just as an innocent and naive girl does not mean she is clean from evil intentions. It is all about the decision that one makes at the end whether based on ignorance or thorough thinking.

I’m pretty sure I fall under the ‘intelligent and cunning’ category because I don’t have that innocent charm and the way I carry myself can seem rather crude (though I’m also sure I have a childishly retarded side to it). Anyway, if people are unable to see through my holy intentions, so be it.

It does not stop me from continuing to do what is right. Hmpf!

By the way, I spend more time on my ipad than my lappy because of how portable it is. However it’s difficult to blog because first, my wordpress app does not work properly. Secondly, blogging via the web is troublesome and I can’t upload images.

Issh! Therefore lack of visual..

Oh well.. Until next time… ( ̄▽ ̄)

A very good day to all! ^^

I am here once again to rant and run my mouth — alright mouth is not the precise description for this so let’s change it to ‘run my fingers’… across the keyboard to tell you some stories. (Laughs)

Mweh, I’m not that sour, mind you.

I wish to talk about my favorite sport which is badminton.

Badminton is a sport I like since I was very small. I’m not a very good badminton player, honestly. I don’t mean to be modest but seriously, I scale myself on an average level. However I used to be a lot worse during my schooling days to the point of embarrassment.

I was pretty sure I got better when I started practicing with the wall — literally.. with the wall. I’m not sure if I told you all this story before but for short, this happened:

I had a crush on one guy who was fucking good in badminton, and the girls teased me and freaked me out by letting me know that they told him about my feelings. I was scared and embarrassed that they told him so I didn’t dare come out to join everyone to play at the field. So I stayed home and literally played against my wall until my mum got pissed and of course, scolded the shit out of me. (Laughs)

I don’t know if the girls really told him or what, but I never saw him ever again. After that, I gotten better in the sport and won champion for the inter-class tournament.

Now in these couple of years with my current workplace, we get the privilege of having weekly sports activities. When we commenced the weekly badminton, of course I was so hyped and took up the initiative to ensure that it goes on a weekly basis. It’s sad to say this but the people do not have a consistency in doing things but rather, they adopt the tendency to leave things running cold. Meaning to say — maybe this week a lot will turn up to play but for the next 3 weeks, no one comes.

I understand that we are working adults and we are busy. So I thought if I could confirm the attendance in advance, then we are able to expect the number of players and if no one could come, we could cancel it and save our weekly fees. Not to mention, our time.

However to my dismay, people claimed they would come but in the end — did not.

So for many times, I sat in the court waiting for these people, wondering whether I should go back or what if I were to leave and they came later… Do they have the shuttlecocks? Do they know which court? It came to the point when the owner of the place took pity on me and told me not to waste my company’s money and a few times, refunded me half the fees. Other strangers who were playing approached and invited me to join them. Sometimes when too few people turned up, I get blasted with questions like, “Where is everyone? I thought you said he and she is coming.. We only have 3 people — how can we play?!” And knowing me, my face would flare up in embarrassment.

Well… When I’m left alone, I become the most dangerous person because that is when I start to think deeply and unthinkable thoughts will manifest.

It wasn’t because I was god damn free and could come over whenever I like. There were days I was not well and work ended late but since my colleagues wanted to play, I thought it was my responsibility to make sure the courts were booked and arranged. I really liked them and glad I was able to get to know them because sometimes when you are working, the atmosphere is different. So.. It was a relief to be able to play and watch them have fun and all.. Sigh..

Anyway, I started to think… And the anime Starry Sky came to mind, particularly Miyaji’s introduction. (look below, please)

Basically, Miyaji practiced so hard for football but when he made a pass to his teammate, the comrade failed him. So he got the idea that no matter how hard one works, it’s not going to produce results if the others do not do as much. So he opted an individual sport that relies solely on his performance instead of the team.

So what got my attention was — while waiting for players to show up, I wanted to practice and exercise but I could not do it alone as badminton requires at least 2 people. I did pondered.. and admired my younger self for being able to play with the wall. (Laughs)

Then I thought, “So.. If no one shows up.. Does this mean I can’t keep fit?”

And this led me to drop the whole responsibility of keeping this weekly badminton thing alive when I could go for another sport that is more secured and regular such gym or swimming as these sports/workouts do not require a team. I wish to do kyudo but we don’t have this awesome thing here unfortunately.

So I surrendered everything and even though they tried to persuade me to at least come as a player, I did not want to. Because I knew I would not.. I did not want to commit and I didn’t want to trouble the caretaker with my maybes or worse, I might even ended up going there and there is still nobody there. My mind was set and it didn’t matter how much I like playing badminton, I couldn’t give a damn since I was frowning of disappointment more than I was supposed to be smiling.

I couldn’t really expressed my thoughts and feelings about this to my colleagues so it didn’t transmit quite well.

I hope whoever is in charge now, will not face the same problem as I did and that there will be improvements in the attendance and integrity. Even if everything is good, I do not intend to join no matter what because when I’m set on a decision, it stays. Just like when I wanted to take care of the arrangements for the badminton players, I made sure no matter what — everything is taken care of. Until there is a next decision — changes will be made.

There is another route for this.. Perhaps people can be changed if they have a great leader who can manage them. Or get them to come as when as required. Because we have seen success from teams and surely, they must have done something to keep the comrades united. For Miyaji’s instances, instead of running off the another sport, if he or someone could motivate the team to work together, for sure they could pull through and achieve success.

However just like Miyaji, I decided to find something else. After all, my heart has dwindled over the years so I go for whatever novelty I can find.

Anyway, yup this is one slice of my life. (Laughs nervously)


…. Bye. D:


It was one day, a time when I still haven’t developed the most awesome things in the world known as boobs… That I learned something. This popular and pretty girl went over to my boy-next-door and stroked his cheeks once. He jerked back looking slightly annoyed. She then asked which girl was he closest to or prefers.

I, who was a table away turned my back not wanting to know. Obviously I liked him but I knew he was crushing for another girl, who was way above me. However to my surprise, these words came out from his mouth, “Ashley. She’s my best friend.”

I could not see the face of that cheek molester but I was surely smiling. It was enough if I could be that. And ever since then, I am fated to be good friends with my love interests while they get swooned by other female predators.

…Cheers, to those in the friendzone!

Dear children of Eve,

This is Ms Aya who is in a cafe right now, about to blog… More like rant on her emotions. Well I was really hoping that I could blog about something happy and definitely more positive compared to my previous entries. If anyone has been reading my blog without actually meeting me in person, I’d be assumed as a pathetic, miserable and suicidal sheep! That’s half true but even so — do you know how much of trouble and damage it will cause to my existence!?

Anyway, lately I’ve been recalling this particular sentence. Some guy once wrote to me saying, “You will never truly be happy if you keep going on like this.” I can’t remember if this was his exact words but it was referring to how unhappy I will always be if I keep being the way I have been.

This came from a guy whom I fought and argued on a daily basis yet end of the day before sleeping, or next morning — I’d apologized for my outburst and tantrum.

We no longer talk — the reason was of course, me and my bloody attitude.

Anyway… About that sentence. I’m pretty sure others have told me before but his was just too notable. And since I remembered it coming from him, I’ve decided to count the timeline from then to the present… To see if there is any growth in me since then.

While it is true that I spend more time outside in the real world and may have became slightly sociable… I still feel that I have not progressed individually and that I still possess the traits I had before. Negative traits, might I add.

I think the only thing that changed was the environment and I was put into it. It used to be a world of only me and my own thoughts, my existence was hardly there but ever since I came out to work, it’s like people now have eyes and opinions on me.

In the line of work, I’m doing well to the point of comfort zone. I think people are pretty pissed with how things are going well for me in that area. (Laughs)

As for personal development, as I said, still the same; unable to fully embrace people and lowering my guards to accept others.

It’s so damn difficult especially when you are someone who experienced shit and is able to foresee patterns in life. My downfall is my wits and brains.

Now a lot would argue that being smart is a good thing. Yes, it is.
It gets you to places, it helps you to reach your goals. People… Like smart people. LIKE. Not love.

Why? Maybe it works for others but in my case, people like me for being smart.. Because of the idea of how useful I can be to them. Because of what I could think of to ease their issues and sought for solutions. Now love… Is another thing. If I have a great body; smart and sexy. I become the sexy friend that gets dumped for an innocent and down to earth girl. Now do I possess those along with the emotions and adorableness that summon guys to melt and go weak on their knees? To the point of sincere lovestruck? No, I do not.

I’m stoic, jaded and seemingly a machine who goes by the book.

There you have, an ideal tool that apparently demands no affections in return.

And this leads me to disappointment in others and inability to be happy.

Oh, wait.. I mentioned happy. I was so off track. Ok back to Happy subject.

At the moment, I am having issues (don’t I always) and I know I can take control and make decisions that will make me happy however, my own happiness do not always mean it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgoing myself is the best thing to do. Incidents after incidents, I learned that I have to do the right things without my own benefits.

I keep telling myself that I will be happy as long as I am doing the right thing and yet, I find myself being languid thereafter.

Well… I don’t know what exactly he was referring to when he said that to me. Was it my character? My decision making? My way of thinking?

I will never know but it’s not going to stop me from finding and creating happiness — the right and guilty free kind of happiness. Because that is what I want. That is the only way I can be proud of myself and finally be happy with who I made myself to be.

…. Phew… Quite a long winded post?

As usual, I don’t specify the content and everyone is left to wonder what the fuck is this sheep rambling about! (Laughs)

I’m freaking good, and I hope you are too.

PS: To that guy who may read this one day or if ever — hahaha… This is the second post… That has you in it? Keep on living, you meanie. And shut up about my English. :)