Hello, children of the human race!

It is, I, Ms Aya, the embarassment of nature!

Just trying to sound cheerful. Gosh, don’t give me that sweat drop face. I’m trying!

Anyway, I had this memory that is sticking in the back of my head for a very long time now and I have been meaning to blog about it.

You see, one day in my final year of high school… During a bus ride back to home, my friend and neighbor sat beside me. She was in another class and is 5 days older than me. I could say she was one of the very first few friends I made upon entering that school and yet, we were not very close. She made some effort to ask me out and hang out, although for a few rounds we did, I still felt that we had a shallow friendship.

Anyway during this particular bus ride, she started her conversation with me with a huge grin on her face plus dreamy eyes. I didn’t notice her hint of wanting to talk as I was staring out the window and swimming in my own thoughts but eventually, she spoke.

She asked me, “Ashley.. What is love?”
Her eyes started dancing and soon I could sense loads of lovey dovey thoughts coming from her. I on the other hand, was taken aback by such a sudden and most importantly, lamest question and topic of all. You see, I wasn’t such a bright girl who is opened about these sort of things. Sure, I could goof around but when it comes to relationship and the subject of love, I become rather grim and rigid.

Widening my eyes at her while feeling slight goosebumps, I asked her what she thought of it instead. Asking the asker back her questions. I know. (Laughs)

She continued to ask me back, “Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Fated to be together?”

Well immediately I understood why she had such thoughts because very recently, she was struck by love for one of the boys our age and was getting into a relationship with him. She was getting all the puppy love and innocently, just had her mind on this.

I can scarcely remember my exact words but I think I was emphasizing to her the difference between fate and destiny to which astounded her into thinking I was matured and wise.

However as to her very primary question, we never got to talk much about it.

What is love?

The reason I’m blogging here is sadly, not to answer this question that has yet been figured out by me.

The memory of this friend and her openess is what brings me here today — not so much the question of hers.

I’m still rather amaze how some people can be so … Willing to talk about something… With such earnesty and sparks in their eyes.

You definitely heard of the saying that when one speaks about passion, you can tell it in their eyes.

I guess this can be applied to my dear friend here. She was someone I always regarded as a loving person, a girl who is constantly looking for the love of her life. With the way I saw people treating her, with delicacy and gentleness, she was that sort of person.

While I, could be perceived as the darker side of the moon. I was not opened to talk about love with passion and that sort of glow in their eyes. Of course, I did, later on shared my crush stories with a few classmates but I could never talk and relay my feelings with so much of passion and brightness. It was always in a shy and modest way, hoping not to speak more.

At that time, I had a minor and extremely shallow crush on a guy who presently, is married to a girl who once, people commented that she and I share the same looks. (Laughs) Life is surely a funny person to do this.

Oh well… As said, it was a shallow crush and we were strangers.

Right now I’m just stuck in the thoughts and memory of my friend here who could ask such a lame and corny question with glowing eyes. A question that makes my cheeks burn even until now.

Mmm… This is so puzzling… -__-

A Stupid Animal

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers

Hola, homosapiens!
It’s me, the annoying sheep who seems to be coming out of the shadows to blog lately!
Though not as frequent as before, it’s still something. (Laughs)
You know, I actually wanted to deactivate my blog years ago when I realized that there is nothing here for me to continue and knowing that work was going to be my main focus, I really wanted to shut this place I once called my bridge to society.
However my brother told me to leave it and he doesn’t mind keeping up with the yearly fees to host my blog. He said maybe one day you’d want it back.
Somehow right now, I am glad that I did not remove this blog from its existence. I noticed when I’m pretty down, I would come here and reflect on my old posts and the things I used to write out of passion and this indeed, brings me back to my path and senses. Although I’m quite embarrassed with some of the things I said (oh gosh, my old selfies!), by removing all these would only deny myself and the type of person I have been working on becoming.

Anyway, I do not wish to talk about something mundane so instead, allow me to tell you about my adventures with a chicken rice shop. (Laughs)

I’m usually someone who refuses to eat lunch while working because for one, I hate feeling bloated in public which makes me sleepy and secondly, I’m constantly on diet in fear of being fat. Now I don’t mean to shame people who are slightly fleshy. It’s just personally, I love my bones very much and paranoid of gaining weight.

However one day, I followed my colleagues out for lunch and we ate chicken rice at a shop behind our place. I was pretty amazed that we could just walk out for lunch. It could be a normal practice for you however for me, I was slightly frightened because I felt like we were skipping work or playing truant, you know. Anyway, after knowing it was within my means and that it was easily accessible in a way, I became the stupid animal that I have always been.

What do you mean by stupid animal, you ask?
Well I’m that sort of creature who can be quite fixed. If I don’t eat lunch during work, I will never be seen eating in the afternoon. Or take my regular ice blended caramel coffee with whipped cream as an example. It’s the first Coffee Bean drink I tried when it first opened in SS2 PJ back in 2000. And thereafter it has always been my primary choice. I drank other flavors before only because I was given the wrong order.

Anyway I meant to say that I can be very routined and habitual, like an animal. Surely some of you can relate to this.

So then… I started going out to get chicken rice at the same time usually, 12.30pm ~ 1.00pm. I hated myself for cultivating this because I felt fat and wasting my time to walk out and eat when I could do other things. Furthermore, although the shop is just behind my office, I had to walk one big round to get there.

Whenever I go over, I would help my boss and colleagues to pack back. Now here comes the pain in the ass.

My boss is quite particular about what she wants, which I am fine with it. However each time I go and come back from the shop, I was always given something else and worse, I paid extra for something I did not get.

For a couple of times, I thought it was just a fluke. Maybe they were busy and forgotten so I just apologized to my boss and paid the outstanding from my pocket since it was my fault for not checking.

However the carelessness of the shop got very frequent. Last month was the last straw for me and it pissed me off greatly. I paid extra for chicken thighs with pork but was not given the pork at all. Previously they gave me the pork but the chicken was breast etc. I was getting mismatches but paying for the same expensive shit.

So I had enough. I was flabbergasted as to why I have to apologize to my boss everytime I buy a fucking chicken rice and had to fork out my money for this bloody shop. How would my boss think of me as a secretary who cannot even get a chicken rice order on spot?

It was an insult to my image and grooming. So… I took the chicken rice back to the shop and called out for the big boss and spoke to her coldly. I don’t know if I could be considered scary, fierce, frightening or so.. I guess a second person is needed to confirm this but all I know is I gave her a piece of my mind saying things like, “You think it’s funny for me to walk here in my high heels and go back with something else? Do you think it’s funny for me to pay with my money to my colleagues for your mistake? If I buy 10 packets of rice, do you want me to open each and every one of them at your counter to check? I can make that happen. Why? Do you think I’m cute so it’s ok to mess up my orders and charge me expensively!?”

The lady boss kept apologizing and explained that maybe her staffs were new and so on. I took the bloody pork and left. After this, as I have told you about being a stupid animal — I completely stopped going to this shop as though blacklisted and when I see them, I give a scornful face. (Laughs)

… There you have it. A slice of my slice. (Laughs nervously)

Dear loners and the misunderstood,

It’s very lonesome to be who you are in a world where most people cannot comprehend you. Even so, do look forward for somebody who will love you for the kind things you do in secret. Whether it’s going to take a lot of intelligence to understand you or just a very patient and big heart, you will be loved. Because if someone like you can exist, there’s got to be someone like him/her too — out there. You don’t have to be similar just so as long as you can co-exist in comfort and safety everyday.

This is a topic I posted back in 2010 and it deserves a reblog because whatever I have thought and patiently explained at that time, I stand by every word until today.

Click here. No worries, you won’t be forwarded to porn sites.

Because lately, I’m getting annoyed with the whole ‘guys like innocent girls’ crap. This is flashing right into my face through books, comics and every media so it’s getting to me.

If you are darn lazy to click the link, then I’ll tell you in short.
My 22 year old self was trying to tell the world that a smart and intelligent woman does not necessarily equate to a cunning, evil and manipulative bitch. Just as an innocent and naive girl does not mean she is clean from evil intentions. It is all about the decision that one makes at the end whether based on ignorance or thorough thinking.

I’m pretty sure I fall under the ‘intelligent and cunning’ category because I don’t have that innocent charm and the way I carry myself can seem rather crude (though I’m also sure I have a childishly retarded side to it). Anyway, if people are unable to see through my holy intentions, so be it.

It does not stop me from continuing to do what is right. Hmpf!

By the way, I spend more time on my ipad than my lappy because of how portable it is. However it’s difficult to blog because first, my wordpress app does not work properly. Secondly, blogging via the web is troublesome and I can’t upload images.

Issh! Therefore lack of visual..

Oh well.. Until next time… ( ̄▽ ̄)