Hello, people of the world!

This is Ms Aya who is feeling languid and having lots of questions in mind. While I try to divert my attention from all this towards work, everything seems futile and thoughts are worsening instead.

Many a times, I get people telling me that I am innocent and naive to which I do not understand how they can perceive me that way. I have been telling them that I am not however to no heed and they always think that I am being polite and modest over it.

I know what kind of thoughts I conjure and how malicious they get but at the end of the day, nothing manifests because I always make good decisions that does not involve too much evilness.

People and friends are encouraging me to talk to them about my problems. I do tell them that I am having problems but I never emphasize and apparently this frustrates people leading them to think this is my fault and own causing in the first place.

I always stay by this thought that I should never seek anyone at my vulnerable times because that is the very time when people plant ideas and illusions that do not necessarily mean well for my or others’ being.

By the end of this post, I doubt that I will be able to reveal even a bit of what I am trying to say. :(

There is this song that goes by the lyrics of, “You don’t do anything, you’re moving but you don’t do anything. You don’t say anything, you’re talking but you don’t say anything.”

Sigh… :(

Trip to Japan: 2K15

Posted by: Ms Ayain Ms Aya's Papers

Dear all,

This is Ms Aya who have just returned from her short trip to Japan!

It was a splendid and great adventure in Osaka, Kyoto, Nara and other places. This time I summoned enough courage to go on my own and to great surprise, I managed quite well. I did — get lost along the way but all is well (Laughs nervously).

Those who are on my Facebook and Instagram must be deeply annoyed because I was dumping pictures onto their timeline.

Overall, it was good to have some time to myself and to be someone without an identity for days. When you are alone, you really get the time and peace to think of life and about yourself. It sounds selfish and full of one’s self however it is something that we need to look into especially when you are troubled or in need of self-reformation. Or simply when you need to move on to the next part of your life. By that sentence, I do not mean the after life. XD

What I’m trying to say here is to recount, think and plan ahead. And you need to be alone to do this since it concerns your life path.

Anyway after returning from Japan, my mum keeps pestering me to go again and this time, to find my future husband there.

Sigh… Again with this nonsense.

But I must say — and it’s probably been said by many people by now — The Japanese are really courteous, polite and hospitable.

I did come across a few rude and misbehaved people — however they were Chinese. (-__-)

Speaking of Chinese, I came across a family in the train and we were heading to Universal Studio. It was a Chinese lady whom I believe to be in her 30′s along with her beautiful mixed blood daughter along the age of maybe — 6 ~ 7 years old. And then there was an old man who seemed to be the grandfather of the kid. Well.. I thought he was the grandfather until he started French kissing the younger lady in the most disgusting manner.

I saw — tongues tangoing out of their mouths and I was so disgusted, along with the other Japanese who were there.

The funny thing was — I saw the lady and her daughter again the next day in Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan. I was quite stunted and so did she. Why would you pull a shocked face on me? I didn’t do anything obscene like she did.

Anyway, my mum was saying that I’m not suited for Chinese and should go for a Japanese since I can adapt to their culture and language. I’m having my doubts because people tend to forget that it’s not a matter of what suits my type but it’s also whether I suit other people as well. 2 ways, remember?

And I don’t have any good and worthy qualities about myself so how can I bargain? This has nothing to do with modesty and most of the people around me think this is the case, or low self-esteem. My friends are saying that I’m being picky and fussy which I do not deny. After all, the people who rejected me must have also been fussy so it’s something that we are all doing naturally.

So on track with the Chinese, I just do not get along with them since a very long time ago. You could say my childhood encounter with Chinese hinders me from associating myself with them.

… I should get going now.

Toodles and hope you are having a lovely time too! :D


Great Selfishness

Posted by: Ms Ayain Ms Aya's Papers

Last night I was having troubles falling asleep. Partly because I was too excited that my PSP was working again. And I was highly stimulated by a recent book I bought.
So with the current events in life, I was somehow taken down memory lane of a time in my primary school days.

There was one day, the school held a sports rally day, a day to practice the Sports Day movement and my class teacher selected a few of us to stay back in class to tidy up the room. It was a treat to be tidying the classroom as we did not really fancy going down to the sunny and muddy field. I was among the selected students to clean the room.

While cleaning, 2 girls broke into a fight and quarreled about who should be doing what and of course, both wanting to assume leadership. Soon the group were divided and carried on arguing with each other and calling names along the way. I was sweeping the floor (if I remembered correctly) and was deeply annoyed because there was so much left to do and nobody was doing anything. Those who were not involved just stood there in amusement to watch the fight.

Later, I got in between the girls and tried to sort things out. I couldn’t say much because they were not paying attention to me but by the time I could speak, our teacher was now in the classroom looking extremely puzzled and of course, fuming.

It seems that one of the students went down to report the fight to our teacher. When she questioned who started the fight and that they should go downstairs as punishment, the girls kept quiet and were frightened to answer. However the initiators mustered the courage to point their fingers at me.

I was a bit slow to defend myself but it didn’t matter because my teacher took their words and the others nodded silently. Thus I was sent down with shame.

Of course when I got to the field, the other students asked about the fight. Everybody just loves to gossip regardless of age. I didn’t say much. Didn’t want to. Too mad and it felt too unfair.

I didn’t mind going to the field and sit on the puddles of mud. But I did not like the shame I was given for something I did not commit. The worst was when I met my classmates who were involved, they did not say a word about it. No apology, no acknowledgment– nothing. It felt like I was in a twilight zone and almost believed I was day dreaming.

This happened in my primary school days. But similar cases happened throughout my teen years and adulthood. Each time this happens, I still take the fall however I get smarter and colder, above all — less trusting.

I’m pretty sure I’ve become a cold and less co-operative to many and this must have turned their hatred on by folds. It makes me wonder if they hate me because I rejected them or they could not use me as their scape goat. I don’t intend to imply that I’m victimized. I take my fault as well as I make sure revenge is exacted. That’s all.

In any case, my life seems to invite such impressions and events. If I had not learned anything by now, I must truly be an incurable idiot. :D

Losing Again

Posted by: Ms Ayain Ms Aya's Papers

Each day passes by and I’m running out of time. I always asked myself if I have collected enough hearts and stars to get to the next chapter in life.

I wonder, will I lose again to another who will be granted a second chance?

It’s as though you can be the greatest and most reliable yet you still lose out simply because you’re not favoured.

Well I don’t intend to apple polish and slyly please anybody with compliments and sweet talk in exchange for respect and a place in their hearts. Such act is so dishonourable to the point of disgusts and vulgarity.

Then again, these are the people whom I tend to lose out because somehow people just prefer these sort of people. I know I’m not cute and pleasing. In contrast, I’m so stoic, sarcastic and sceptical. Yet I try to give others a practical and useful help however, I guess such currency does not exist any more. I do buy things and share my food with people but not for such intend. It’s just — something I could do?

“Wow, you’re pretty today. Nice bag. Cool hair.” I’m so foreign to these simple words which enchants people easily and deeply. Could it be that observation and taking notice is what people are flattered by?

Although I do talk to people more than before (you remember how much of a hermit and recluse I was?), I don’t think I’m there yet in the sense of really bonding with anyone. Sometimes I think that I’m being taken for granted, other times I’m just being tested. And truthfully I haven’t found a person whom I can have a proper conversation with. Partly my fault because I still cannot trust a single soul so I rather listen and dig up their stories. I’m still shaking from the last time I thought I had a companion.

I cannot remember if I read a story or I’ve seen it happen to people in reality, but regardless, it’s beautiful to see or even think about it. Most people are hoping that it happens to them too but I exclude myself from such hope so, to know and think about it as a fiction is good and accepting enough for me.

Sigh… It’s pointless to be brooding here. It’s never good to be languid about uncertainties therefore, I shall go continue my Pokemon Omega Ruby. :D