Gee, thanks!

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers
16
Sep

Greetings, creatures of the universe!

How are you getting on with life? I hope you’re doing awesome and progressing in life. Have you achieved your goals or already challenging new heights?
Even if you have not reached anywhere, please don’t be discouraged. Things take time and especially, courage to pursue.

I won’t say I’m any better. Slowly getting to where I intend to be however it’s going to take time and I’m alright with that. I understand and fully believe in progress than shortcuts.

Anyway rather than spouting about life and its lesson, here’s a slice of what happened.

Some time last week, I went to one of my favorite places for breakfast. I go there so frequent to the point I don’ have to order, they already know what I want.
So anyway, the lady boss asked me for my business card to which unfortunately, I have none. Of course, I got curious and asked her for what purpose she wanted my card. She giggled and said that she wanted to introduce a guy to me because I’m single plus always eating alone and the guy is about the same.

I narrowed my eyes, trying to search her face for seriousness and yes, she seemed serious. Of course, I shrugged this off however a couple of days ago, she handed me an advertisement card that has a name and face on it. She handed over and playfully said, “Here. This is the guy.” And waltz away gleefully.

My face dropped and she is really a nice lady so I summoned enough muscles to curl my lips into a smile and kept the card with me.

Later I went to my colleagues to whine about it as I was telling them about this before.

Seriously… Starting to question what I’ve made myself look like to others. (Tears)

So next week when I go back to that place… I just gotta tell her I did not call him up.. Like duh, imagine someone rings you up and you’re expecting a business prospect but no, here’s a dating proposal instead!

Anyway, to put it positively, I find this to be absolutely hilarious and let’s see if she is going to give me more name cards with pictures of lonely men (Laughs).

Distractions

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers
31
Aug

Hola!

What could have happened that brought me here to blog on this lovely morning?

Well it’s 9.24am, a pretty normal time for people to rise and shine. Although nowadays on off days, people prefer to sleep in a little late.

Anyway I thought I woke up early enough to beat some guys to the basketball court however to my disappointment, they are already there.

Sigh. I don’t play intense basketball. I like the sport however I don’t play enough and I’m quite shy to play with people. So shooting hoops has always been fulfilling enough for me since my teen years. And from that time, I have this unspoken competition going on with the neighbor boys as they seem to monopolize the court from dusk till dawn.

They definitely love basketball more than I do otherwise why would they spend so much time playing and honing their skills. How admirable. I wish I have that sort of drive and passion too.

I have not been shooting hoops for a very long time now. So why the sudden urge? Well, I’m in need of distractions and movements now. Staying idle and giving myself too much time to think has always been the most harmful moment for me as it leads me to manifest thoughts that will influence my behavior. It’s like I’m given time to realize certain things and certain people, often allowing me to calculate and later trust lesser and lesser.

If I could think so much, why can’t I think of a way to cure cancer or more beneficial deeds?

Haha.. Alright then. Time to move away from the keyboard.

Looks like I’ll have to try getting to the court at 7.00am the next time.

 

Yo~oh!
I’m still alive! For those wishing me to die just because they are so envious of my shine — not today, not ever! (Laughs)

Life is being funny and comical with me. Sometimes I think I should have a comic about myself. However there isn’t much conclusion to what is happening thusfar, let’s put that on hold.

A couple of months back, I was talking to one of my colleagues about men. I asked him how is it that men can go on multiple dates with different women without a sense of commitment. On my own, when I’m interested in a guy, I can’t think or even allow myself to go out or be too friendly with other guys.

He said it’s normal for men to fish that way. They go out to try a few people and see which woman responses more.

This is something I fail to grasp.
Today, I asked another guy about this. To be fair, I won’t proclaim this as a “men’s” trait as I believe an army of women are also playing this sort of games.

This guy gave me the same response, saying it makes one feel good about themselves.

Well, I wonder if I should learn to play that game because as I am right now, nothing is fruitful nor does it seem like a redeeming quality.
You know, I’ll pick one story from my youthful days to share with you. There was a time I had a major crush on this senior whom of course, never shared mutual feelings for me. It was extremely one sided and I knew it better.
Despite so, I enjoyed just having small talks or to watch him afar. I did have a fair chance to improve things however I never quite took it. Such as a chance to go to his class to discuss things and pass messages from the teachers.
Anyway after I left, I later learned a lot of things I’ve missed out while I was in daze for this guy. While I was trying so hard to get his attention or to follow him around, I had actually made friends along the way. I was surrounded by other seniors whom the girls my age were head over heels for them and yet I did not feel it when they were in front of me, trying to get to know me. I remembered peering over them to look out for the other guy. (Laughs)

As to why I don’t fight for him, well I get easily discouraged. I never have it in me that I could win a person over. I get easily insecure and jealous. Then instead of confronting, I convince myself that I’m not wanted and it’s better to walk away and let people be happy. I’ve never recovered from this mentality and it seems like it will persist till my death.

I have been this kind of idiot even until now. I don’t know if this is called loyalty or narrow minded. Can it be called a noble deed?
Well, currently I have no one in mind and this makes it so much worse because I feel so scattered and aimless. At least when I had a person in mind, I could channel every effort into becoming good person. Although I’m told to do things for myself, I’ll admit that I don’t really think much about what I really want despite how arrogant and obnoxious I carry myself to be.

Sigh, when I develop feelings for somebody, it becomes depressing. When I’m all alone, it’s just as depressing.

Oh well… This is my life and its cycle. There’s really nothing envious about me. (Laughs)

In a few days time, I’m going to be another year older.
By terms and appearance, I think I still look the same. Not to say very youthful but just as I was years ago.
Coming to 28, I should be referred to as a lady or woman however as the title suggests, I feel that I still sort of behave like a little girl.
You can say I’m childish and all to which I don’t deny. However it’s just the way I carry myself. I don’t seem to reflect myself as a lady nor a woman. Funny though, I was recalling one time in my teen years. I was at my father’s office and was taking the lift down. My brother’s school mate who was working part-time shared the ride down with me.
We stood at each end of the elevator and she looked at me while I was sipping on my coke.
She asked me if I always wore those kind of clothes and where I was going. Well I was dressed in a large singlet and a pair of baggy three-quarter pants with my sports shoes while a denim bag over my shoulder.
I replied, “Yea. I’m playing football later. Why?”
She looked away and said, “Oh. Ok.”
Then I looked at her and suddenly I felt a huge difference between us. She was 2 years older and was in a tight blouse and even tighter black skirt. She had neat shoulder length hair and her face was like glowing and probably her nails were done up nicely while I prolly could have been mistaken to be her little rascal brother.

At that time, I was ignorant to the world of feminine taste so I was not bothered. However it has become an encounter that I often recall each time I question my place and image among people.
Until today, I still feel less of a person but not so much to the point of depression. I’ve accepted and embraced the way I am and am never going to allow anybody to deform me. My pride just won’t allow that. (Laughs)

Besides, people stick to me for awhile because they think I’m a fun mystery but leave later after finding someone better or easier to understand. It’s always easy to love someone who is always happy but it’s hard to hold a person who is constantly crying.
However life plays out, I’m going to have fun, cry and have fun again and again.
I’m looking forward for a meaningful life.