Good day to all of you!
Well… I’m here today to express myself since I’ve been languid and in a horrendous mood off late. Reason would mostly be because of people.
I’m very unhappy with people. This is not new to you I guess, since I always seem to have problems with people. I’m certain they are also fed up with me and hope for my demise.
Anyway as my subject suggests, I just want to share a little bit about what I think of the faces people make. This is something I picked up very long time ago and from time to time, try to dismiss however it’s getting to my nerves.
First off, I don’t like to think of people’s appearance and deeming as what is ugly or not. As I blogged before about knowing the difference of being beautiful by born features or through expressions, I always perceive based on people’s characteristics so even if you have a flat nose, but when you laugh whole heartedly, you become a beautiful creature. It’s the same as those who have evil motives, it tends to show through one’s face.
I’m sadly, picking up a lot of the negative traits of people especially those whom I did not expect from which makes it more saddening. Now, I’m not ashamed for being unhelpful. I really don’t like to help a lot of people and very reluctant unless you reason with me why my help is needed. Why?
I despise being used for the wrong reasons. Reasons such as because you are lazy to do it, worry of the risks involve so you think I should take the fall kind of thing. Or just because it’s easier for me or that I’ve spare time, you think you own my life to decide that if I have a minute to breath, I must be useful to you. Or apparently because I’m smarter, so I should do more things. Well, smart people don’t allow themselves to be a tool to stupid people. Dumbass..
Therefore, I’m extremely selective because I don’t want to spoil people. Now what do you call a person who is always helping others?
Kind and helpful, correct?
But for those who are always helping because they were bullied or forced into doing and afraid to speak up… Are they considered kind and helpful even though they’re constantly complaining about it?
Well it’s not my idea and definitely I don’t wish to fall under this category of seemingly kind people who were just too much of a coward to do the right things. So I don’t mind being unkind and unhelpful — for not aiding you when you’re lazy to do something. Selfish? So be it.
Now, now.. I’m not going to tell you about how much of help I’ve given.. The kind of genuine help that is done out of concern and not intimidated into doing it.. I’ll leave it to you to believe what you can imagine.
Back on trail… Faces!
There is a certain face people make when they want your help. It is called pleading however, some cries for help has sincerity that you feel compelled to give in. While others who are out to use and abuse you, makes a seriously disgusting face.
How can I describe this? Well let’s take those comic villains for example. Those conman, coward type of characters who are always flapping their mouth. Good comic artists are skilled in portraying characteristics along with intentions through facial and gestures.
So you can imagine, how wry the faces are, with their palms rubbing and holding over your shoulder to get your approval. How they try to smile and look pitiful while justifying themselves and being so ever careful and sweet with their words.
So pretentious.. So hideous I’d barf.
And that’s why it has always been easy for me to turn down these people.
You know, sometimes I do hate the way I think and see. I hate how my heart works. It’s so vulnerable to allowing demons and insects to crawl all over and squeeze each time I have to decide whether to forgive or to punish.
“Evil, you’re so heartless and evil.”
Common words that people use to describe me even when I don’t reveal them my thoughts. When I was younger, I used to believe everything that others tell me. That I’m ugly, no good, bad, she hates me, he hates me and so on. I would take all these words home and drill hatred and loath into myself. Next day, make an effort to be the kind of person they want me to be.
As it turn out now, I learned about people’s intentions and that people don’t necessarily give you good advices during your vulnerable times. Some even take the advantage to influence you in such a time. So I woke up from all these. Made walls and always ask myself, “If there is no one here to tell you what to do, do you stop here?”
Hoping and waiting is the worse as it paralyzes you entirely. Not doing anything becomes your fault in the end. Then I just kept moving while thinking this is my last resort and not to count on anyone.
So.. You think I’m evil, heartless and selfish. Of course you think more hideous things about me. My favorite response is, “If it’s easier to understand me that way, go ahead. It doesn’t stop me from anything.” I know I’m doing some good in secret and I don’t need your approval. I no longer depend on validation from others.
I stopped explaining myself and my actions. I leave it to everybody’s ability to interpret my actions since deep down, we are all egoistic people who thinks we are the right ones no matter what is really going on. The point here, if you are like me, is to keep going as long as you know you’re doing something good that people can’t realize it yet.
… Suddenly it occurred to me that this is what cults and terrorists believe.. Right?
No la, sheep is harmless!
Reading what I wrote from the top, I’m seriously a despicable person, don’t you think? How can I summon such sickening and twisted thoughts. I may take good actions but as long as I have a mind like this, people dismisses me as cruel and ruthless. So of course, standing beside innocent girls or whoever, I’m always the monster no matter what I do.
I guess.. I stay away from people because it makes me feel… Not different or special but instead, I’m a monster that don’t belong — shouldn’t belong anywhere but hell.
I’m not perfect, definitely not perfect and have lots of faults. So much that people probably think I am too critical on my judgements over them and they must be hoping for me to fall off my horse.
Well don’t worry. I’m being punished to having to live with you and I’m sentenced to being hated and envied by all of you and constantly have to watch my steps. Nobody will ever love me as I don’t have any immunity. And those who do care about me are cowards who can only say sorry all the time.
Wow saying this..
…. I need to prepare to live in solitary for the rest of my life… (´･_･`)