Dear children of Eve,

This is Ms Aya who is in a cafe right now, about to blog… More like rant on her emotions. Well I was really hoping that I could blog about something happy and definitely more positive compared to my previous entries. If anyone has been reading my blog without actually meeting me in person, I’d be assumed as a pathetic, miserable and suicidal sheep! That’s half true but even so — do you know how much of trouble and damage it will cause to my existence!?

Anyway, lately I’ve been recalling this particular sentence. Some guy once wrote to me saying, “You will never truly be happy if you keep going on like this.” I can’t remember if this was his exact words but it was referring to how unhappy I will always be if I keep being the way I have been.

This came from a guy whom I fought and argued on a daily basis yet end of the day before sleeping, or next morning — I’d apologized for my outburst and tantrum.

We no longer talk — the reason was of course, me and my bloody attitude.

Anyway… About that sentence. I’m pretty sure others have told me before but his was just too notable. And since I remembered it coming from him, I’ve decided to count the timeline from then to the present… To see if there is any growth in me since then.

While it is true that I spend more time outside in the real world and may have became slightly sociable… I still feel that I have not progressed individually and that I still possess the traits I had before. Negative traits, might I add.

I think the only thing that changed was the environment and I was put into it. It used to be a world of only me and my own thoughts, my existence was hardly there but ever since I came out to work, it’s like people now have eyes and opinions on me.

In the line of work, I’m doing well to the point of comfort zone. I think people are pretty pissed with how things are going well for me in that area. (Laughs)

As for personal development, as I said, still the same; unable to fully embrace people and lowering my guards to accept others.

It’s so damn difficult especially when you are someone who experienced shit and is able to foresee patterns in life. My downfall is my wits and brains.

Now a lot would argue that being smart is a good thing. Yes, it is.
It gets you to places, it helps you to reach your goals. People… Like smart people. LIKE. Not love.

Why? Maybe it works for others but in my case, people like me for being smart.. Because of the idea of how useful I can be to them. Because of what I could think of to ease their issues and sought for solutions. Now love… Is another thing. If I have a great body; smart and sexy. I become the sexy friend that gets dumped for an innocent and down to earth girl. Now do I possess those along with the emotions and adorableness that summon guys to melt and go weak on their knees? To the point of sincere lovestruck? No, I do not.

I’m stoic, jaded and seemingly a machine who goes by the book.

There you have, an ideal tool that apparently demands no affections in return.

And this leads me to disappointment in others and inability to be happy.

Oh, wait.. I mentioned happy. I was so off track. Ok back to Happy subject.

At the moment, I am having issues (don’t I always) and I know I can take control and make decisions that will make me happy however, my own happiness do not always mean it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgoing myself is the best thing to do. Incidents after incidents, I learned that I have to do the right things without my own benefits.

I keep telling myself that I will be happy as long as I am doing the right thing and yet, I find myself being languid thereafter.

Well… I don’t know what exactly he was referring to when he said that to me. Was it my character? My decision making? My way of thinking?

I will never know but it’s not going to stop me from finding and creating happiness — the right and guilty free kind of happiness. Because that is what I want. That is the only way I can be proud of myself and finally be happy with who I made myself to be.

…. Phew… Quite a long winded post?

As usual, I don’t specify the content and everyone is left to wonder what the fuck is this sheep rambling about! (Laughs)

I’m freaking good, and I hope you are too.

PS: To that guy who may read this one day or if ever — hahaha… This is the second post… That has you in it? Keep on living, you meanie. And shut up about my English. :)

Greetings to all, grand people!

I wish to rant on a few past matters that seem to be dredging up lately.

As the title suggests, I’m pretty sure everyone has a similar nemesis as in — there is someone in your life that wishes to destroy you entirely. Either they do it out of rivalry or simply and disgustingly out of envy.

This happens to all of us at some point in our lives and this experience is not biased when it comes to age. It can happen when you are too young to realize it or when you are old enough to wonder why you still have to deal with this nonsense.

I’ll share a couple of stories with you:

When I was schooling, friends often compliment what a nice name I have, particularly my middle name. There aren’t many Ashleys so it was rare. Whatever. To me I was more happy that my friends were calling me by my familiar name and that was all it matters.

But there were one or two who didn’t like the attention I was getting so what they did was — they mocked me by calling my name sarcastically and then slowly calling me any names except my preferred name. It was hilarious how they tried to change my name and purposedly silencing the middle name.

At that time, I was kind of oblivious to their intentions and I actually thought they had retarded tongues by being unable to pronounce properly. It was only later on that I picked up the motives behind the name calling. Juvenile indeed.

Another would be a case of my habit of washing my hands after touching objects and people. I do not fall under the category of a hygiene freak. It’s just that I really need to wash my hands to feel better and to rid of the feelings of an object or person. Some of you may notice that when I’m touching something filthy, I tend to make obvious expressions of reluctance and really — it can be extremely comical! You can even hear me whining some jibberish that you can never make out.

But no matter how I detest touching something, I’d still do it if it is very important (fucking blue tag), just as long as you let me dash to the sink to have my hands washed.

However, there is a certain someone whom, I shall not name, has a satisfaction of watching me get tormented. This person found out how much I detest touching filthy things and know that I always wash my hands no matter what. So this person on purpose, make me do that sort of clean up — which I don’t mind, but that person would mock me while at it saying, “See? It’s nothing. You think your hands are so precious and clean? We are all doing it and nobody is complaining except you. What makes you special? You are doing what I’m doing now.”

After being fed this sort of words, whether it was clearing garbage or other issues, I learn to sense that people are trying to bring me down to the lowest level, whether they are there or lower than that.

The worst part was — I wasn’t allowed to wash my hands after that and when I forcefully went to wash my hands, I was mocked, “You won’t die if you don’t wash your hands.” I could see how irritated the person was when I could wash my hands and be relieved about it. I could see the satisfaction of the person’s face when I dying to have them cleaned but couldn’t.

I hope you can understand what I am trying to imply. I know… The need to wash my hands sounds petty. But it does happen in other ways whereby people try to drag you down from what you are and how pride you are about yourself.

You cannot deny that there is always somebody out there who wants to see you fall just because they envy you and they are sicken by your success or possesion that they sadly do not have.

The distorted faces they put on when you are doing great and the satsifaction smirks they give when you are failing — indeed humans can be so ugly.

Yes, you are telling me that not everyone is like that. Unfortunately, that sort of comfort and hope no longer exist in me so I’d suggest you give this hope to your friends and loved ones before they become as numb as me.

I feel betrayed easily hence I do not put my heart on anything nor anyone. I’m not being negative, modest or some damsel in distress. I don’t get why people say I’m being cute and modest about it.

I feel like an evil wretch being dismissed as a lil sheep who doesn’t know what she is saying. I created this image, I guess. It’s alright though, one should not live based on another’s approval after all.

Anyway, this is all I have to share for now — after not blogging for a long time.

I wonder if you all are doing great… Stay happy in your own ways, that’s my wish for you now. ( ̄▽ ̄)

Dear readers and stumblers,

It has been a tremendously long time since my last update. If you were to read my previous posts, you will notice that I start my sentences with “hey it’s been a long time.” (Laughs) It seems that I visit my blog once a month.

Anyway, I wonder if everyone is having a good time. We are already in the month of June and damn, time is surely moving fast. A lot of things are happening globally such as earthquakes, boats capsizing, plane crashes and so on. It is so unfortunate for those who are going through such disasters.

As for those who are safe from the above terrors, we too still have our individual struggles to go day by day.

Sigh… Speaking of individual struggles, I am having several of my own. Since last month, life has been so suffocating for me. The work load is fine however, it’s the people and all the interaction with them that is suffocating me somehow. Apart from that, some people turned out to be major disappoinments and annoyances which makes me want to just pick up my feet and run as far as I can go. In addition, I got myself attached to some people and soon they are going to leave me. I am.. Sadly not a person who can bear farewells as I fear getting abandoned, despite being someone who prefers to be alone, once I have some sort of fondness, I become a little sheep wanting its sheperd.

Bottomline, life is pretty languid on my side. (´・_・`)

… But I will manage it somehow. It’s just a matter of setting emotions aside and things will be alright again.
It’s funny. I always thought that emotions will help to push a person forward, like how desire fuels a person. But the way it appears, emotions does nothing but creating stumbling blocks.

If that is what emotions do to me, I rather not feel a thing regardless of how heartless it’s going to be. Afterall, this is an individual battle so it concerns no one, nay?

Anyway, I got to go now.

Hope you are faring way better than me in life!


Hello, people of the world!

This is Ms Aya who is feeling languid and having lots of questions in mind. While I try to divert my attention from all this towards work, everything seems futile and thoughts are worsening instead.

Many a times, I get people telling me that I am innocent and naive to which I do not understand how they can perceive me that way. I have been telling them that I am not however to no heed and they always think that I am being polite and modest over it.

I know what kind of thoughts I conjure and how malicious they get but at the end of the day, nothing manifests because I always make good decisions that does not involve too much evilness.

People and friends are encouraging me to talk to them about my problems. I do tell them that I am having problems but I never emphasize and apparently this frustrates people leading them to think this is my fault and own causing in the first place.

I always stay by this thought that I should never seek anyone at my vulnerable times because that is the very time when people plant ideas and illusions that do not necessarily mean well for my or others’ being.

By the end of this post, I doubt that I will be able to reveal even a bit of what I am trying to say. :(

There is this song that goes by the lyrics of, “You don’t do anything, you’re moving but you don’t do anything. You don’t say anything, you’re talking but you don’t say anything.”

Sigh… :(