Good day, everyone! I’ve just celebrated my 29th birthday yesterday. It was a small celebration filled with laughters and smiles. Nothing much to comment on my birthday other than life is probably annoyed that I’m still alive and hustling.

The sad thing is I can’t say the same for Auwlithe. My baby, alas, passed away last month on the 12th. It was a huge blow for me and I was really depressed, even until today, I cannot live with the fact that my four-legged buddy is no longer by my side.

On his final day, before putting him to sleep, for once in months, he could finally smile.

The night before was the hardest for me as I had to tell him what I was going to do to him. He seemed to understand and that made me tear up all night till the next day. I carried the semi-paralyzed dog in my arms and showed him around the house and his usual spots. We listened to some songs together, just like we always did while I annoyed him with some dumb jokes and teased him.

Just typing a few words about this is already building up tears in my eyes. I really miss him and felt bad that I had to put him to sleep rather than allowing him to live up to every beat of his heart. I was torn between ending his misery and to let him live in that state as long as he could.

He was crying for days. It pained me to helplessly console him when I couldn’t aid him. I felt weak and useless. I still think to myself, perhaps I didn’t try enough. I for one, who always believed there is always a way, could not do anything after all.

With the absence of Auwlithe, I feel I have no reason to come home so I stay out on my own a little longer, wandering and straying with the company of only my thoughts.

Other than still mourning over the lost of Auwlithe, well to be fair, there are pleasant days every now and then. Some days of watching people as though they are pets having fun with one another, interesting ideas for the mind to toy with and so on.

Unrequited feelings, shallowness, detachments, self-loath… It’s like a whole clusterfuck going on. On some days, I stay as cocky as my pride and on other days, I feel ugly about myself and doubt the compliments of others. On my own, I can feel a bit beautiful at times but I get dubious when a few people compliment my looks and capabilities. As I’m usually right, motives follow after compliments and that leads me to believe people are dishonest. It’s funny if only one or two says you’re pretty while others are silent about it.

Anyway, enough with the negative and dark thoughts. I do have some rather positive news coming my way. Today, I was given a glimpse of my next stepping stone to improve my current state of living. This is something that may only materialize next month therefore, in order not to jinx up, I shall stay silent and focus on making this happen.

Hahaha, make it or break it! >:D

Chapter Auwlithe

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers
18
Apr

Auwlithe seemed a little better today. He could not only stand up but he could walk a little rather than scrambling his paws like a new born fawn all over to only fall on his belly or worse, into the drain. My four legged buddy was pretty much in a miserable state for the passed few days whereby he couldn’t get up at all. He was like a vegetable; immobile and wetting himself like he was drowning in guilt and helplessness.

I had seen how ashamed he was each time he had to pass motion without his control. It has been this way for almost 5 months now and each day, he deteriorated and stripped of his freedom and capabilities. He used to be so plump and healthy but now he looks like Christian Bale in The Machinist which is so saddening to look at. It is indeed a slow pain in the heart to watch something or someone you love to lose a part of themselves each day.

By seeing that Auwlithe was a little better, I decided to take him outside of the house to give him fresh air and a familiar view to reminisce. “Auwlithe, let’s go out for awhile!” I exclaimed while opening the gate and then noticing him trying to keep up with me. I held his cheeks to check if he was alright to have spotted some dirt in his eyes. “Wait here, I’ll get a tissue to clean your face,” and off I went in to quickly emerge with a tissue in hand. I wiped his eyes and as usual, he would shake his head in annoyance. “How come your eyes are dirty again?! It’s not good, you know!” I nagged while Auwlithe continued to shrugged.

I binned the tissue and then ushered for Auwlithe to walk with me. However, the poor skinny dog was struggling to walk at my pace. So I lifted him up in the air, just like Rafiki holding baby Simba in his hands to show the glory of the pride. “Express! Let’s go!”

I carefully placed Auwlithe down the road where he used to happily roam. I really wanted him to feel that familiar freedom again as he has not been able to venture out for a very long time. I stood beside him hoping that he remembers his favorite spot but instead, he seemed lost and uncomfortable. I squatted down to his level, “Hey, you ok?” I studied his facial expression and his body. Auwlithe’s legs were shaky and in discomfort. Immediately I could tell that the road was too harsh for his already fragile paws so I quickly carried him back to our house.

I placed him down on our tiles and he stood still, eyes wandering around. We used to have many nights of just roaming outside our home together. Auwlithe would be too busy burying his nose and attention into the fresh soil of the earth while I had my eyes set on the infinite sky, in search of glittering stars.

Auwlithe slowly dragged his legs back to the house and waited for me at the gate. He still does the same cue of telling me, “I’m done. I’ll go in first.”

He always had some sort of attitude to which I became accustomed to. So much I would hate for it to end.

After I was contented with the night sky, I followed Auwlithe back into the house and held on to my buddy.

“You’re my sunshine, my only sunshine.” I begun to sing into his ears.
“You make me happy, when skies are grey. You never know dear, how much I love you” I continued with hiccups.
“So please don’t take…” tears began building around the corner of my eyes.

“… my sun shine away.” I rested my forehead on Auwlithe’s, a ritual of ours each time we had to part ways, even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

I withdrew from Auwlithe just to see his face. He looked tired at the same time, wanting to walk a little more with me. He had been lying down the whole day so I guess he needed to move a little more to overcome his bedsore.

I went into the living hall and had to close the door on him for the day. “I love you, Auwlithe.” I mumbled as I slowly close the grill. Auwlithe stood for awhile to slowly parked himself at the door, a place where he makes me and my family feel so secured with his protection.
I thought of reaching home early to play video games but after seeing Auwlithe like this, I decided to spend my time with him and writing about him as I can’t tell how much of time we have left.
Hence, this post.

How can one feel this way for a dog, a mere creature? I won’t be the only animal lover who will express this sort of feelings for pets as many of us who have bonded with animals will eventually treat them like humans. After all, people are also mere creatures. A little more intelligence does not equate for better value and sentiments.
Auwlithe had been with me in my lonely years and comforted me more than anybody. He may not be able to give me advices or take me out for fun but his loyalty to me was sufficient and comforting enough.

If I cannot love a pure hearted animal, how can I bring myself to love a human being filled with swaying motives?

Hello!

Am I blogging more frequently off late? Do you prefer my absence over my presence here? Haha, too bad. I do whatever I want.

Well my throat is recovering. As of the previous post, I had since been coughing and deprived of my voice which lasted more than 2 weeks! It was a great inconvenience for me as I could not speak especially while working with people.

At first I cursed having fallen sick to this point however it was a blessing in disguise. I had learned to observe silently on many things. Also I could not immediately retort verbally during certain situations but I guess it was for the better.

Anyway, I was just recalling my anti-social days when I scarcely spoken to anybody. My temporary muteness reminded me of my quiet days back then. After graduating high school, I pretty much fell off the grid and hid in my house. I did communicate with very few people but it was kept at minimum and at a distance. I only had Twitter and my blog during those times.

Repeatedly, I would say my blog had been my bridge to communication, a place I expressed myself to nobody in particular. There were friendly bypassers whom I befriended online and are still in touch via other social media. I thank those people for finding me through this blog. It’s like you’ve been with me through my most lonely days.

Anyway, as the subject is titled.. Now that I think about it, I lived like a ghost for almost 5 years. This was before I started working in the school. I was literally a recluse with no actual job and my days were spent on reading, drawing, gaming and self studying. The only physical social I’ve gotten was with my family and Auwlithe. I even refrained from my neighbors and I visited my friends in KL like, twice a year.

Sometimes when conversing with people about the past, we normally hear campus stories and previous job employment stories. I don’t have much to offer.
But seriously, for 5 years. Wow. I was a hidden useless bum. (Laughs)

During that time, I was bend on keeping away from people and looking for jobs that supported my hindrance for people. I did a few things in silence however it wasn’t enough for a breakthrough in life.

Does my perception change after meeting and mingling with people? On a truthful note, no. I find that whatever I had speculated were true. I won’t emphasize my findings and will save for another post. However all in all, I learned to adapt to people yet remain my principles and pride. I won’t say I have very good principles and honor for anyone to follow but I know it’s something I choose to follow and will go through with it till the end.

It’s been 7 years since then and been out in the public. You know, Auwlithe was my biggest support then as he was my only reason to wake up to this lonesome world. Currently he is getting old and senile; losing his energy and appetite. He is so frail and can barely walk. I dreaded thinking that soon I’ll be dedicating a post about his departure.

Anyway, time’s up. This is all I feel like blogging about. Ambiguity as usual? Well it’s an honest post and at times, confusion happens.

Hahaha, toodles. :)

Good afternoon, homosapiens!

I’m here to give this blog a little bit of life! Haha. Well right now I’m completely deprived of my own voice as I have an incredibly bad cough and a very sore throat. Literally, no voice for the first time in my living years. I can only whisper and I assure you, it’s not those seductive sort of whispers that enchants one to the bedroom but instead, I think I sound like a granny who removed her dentures for the night. (Laughs)

Anyway, I’m about to blog to you my lil story here on something that had happened last year. You see, I’ve mentioned that love has never happened to me for all this time, which is so true. However, there were attempts that just did not succeed.

I won’t go in depth in telling how it all begun but I’ll tell you the end of it; as the start had long been forgotten. There was a colleague whom I did care for however there were many undeniable signs that showed me how unrealistic it will turn out to be. It was the kind of friendship that started out from hatred to caring; from slamming doors to my face to holding doors for me.

I could tell he was interested and involved with another girl despite his lack of admittance to it. And that led me to discontinue any attempts to get any closer. However I had always opted for running away instead of confronting so this time, I wondered how it would be like to admit my side for a change rather than just walking away.

So I did it, I told him my feelings on three different occasions. Each time getting clearer but to no response. Even an upfront rejection would have satisfied me. I had let go bit by bit of feelings and became realistic each time however I came to a thought that maybe this guy doesn’t want to tell me off because he wants to fool around.

I was and never will be obnoxious enough to think anyone would choose me over other girls. There was a moment of weakness whereby I contemplated that just because I couldn’t get what I want, does it mean I cannot continue doing nice things for that person? Do I only care in hopes of getting something in return?

Sooner, things became more apparent and I was right to have told him what I had to and walked away because a couple of weeks later, I found out my suspicions were all along on spot. The main give away was that the girl made a spiteful remark about me when I walked by her. Of course, girls cannot contain their victory. The fact that he did not want to tell me was a major put off because it was like he intended to lead me on. How else did he want me to find out? Awesome thing is, I had always been a sharp and smart motherfucker. (Laughs)

Ever since then, despite that we still work in the same building, we do not speak nor have any contact with one another. Now some would ask whether it was hard to live like this. Well, initially I thought it would be hard. But if the person doesn’t attempt to fix or recover you, seriously it means nothing to you. Though arguably it was a shallow feeling for one another hence the easier detachment.

I’m not blogging about this to dwell in it. I’m very much over it. He is more dead to me than my friend who recently passed away. I’m blogging this for myself to read back my memories and pick up my strength in times of weakness.

If you were to ask what did I like about him, perhaps if you had asked earlier I could have answered. But now there is really no form of fondness to recall from that person. And if anyone asks me about this, I would admit that I did have feelings for him despite how mismatch people would comment. I’m not ashamed for I was sincere at that time. I guess, my bravery and courage to speak the truth scares people.

Anyway, the above ended early last year and since then, I picked myself up and continued to my direction. For someone who doesn’t project emotions of love for people, I’m not afraid to embrace it for the man who will deeply love me. I don’t understand why people are playing this “I don’t care” and mysterious game. Passion is always tons more attractive over a person who doesn’t care about anything. Perhaps they had a rough life and couldn’t bring back that flame and lust for life then again, I had an ordeal myself and could have been many indecent things.

It’s all about the choices we make, right?

You know, I’m starting to notice somebody but pretty soon I’m going to end it the same way because I sensed that there is no reliability and security. I don’t want to be that stupid animal again to keep following to my depression. (Laughs) I’ll save this piece of chapter for another time.

For now, I’ve spouted enough and I’m in the mood to watch some Markiplier videos. (Laughs) Come on, it’s a beautiful Sunday! Gotta bask and enjoy a good relaxing day rather than harboring insecurities and doubts.

!!rolls on bed!!