Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

Good evening, everyone!

I didn’t expect to have some free time in this evening to blog here. There was supposed to be a long meeting today that leads to dinner however it has been cancelled last minute and to be held on another day.

Usually I would prefer to head home however I have been staying out until late at night, dining alone somewhere, reading books or writing in my diary. You can say I’m kind of disturbed and down. This is definitely not new to you and it seems I only blog when I’m upset. Sigh… I miss writing happy and dandy posts, you know.

For a start, there are a few farewells at my workplace and I felt kind of attached to a few people so it does hurt a bit to watch them go. There are a few other farewells of different forms such as feelings, friends and a part of myself.

I want to share with you something on courage. I don’t know if I can pass myself as someone who has courage. I think I do — only to an extend. Since young, a lot of my friends and adults complimented me saying I was always so brave and daring.
One example was the time I reached 10 years old. There was going to be a singing competition and the teacher asked for any students to participate. She tried to pluck some students however they were so shy and scared. All the students shook their heads and avoided eye contact with our English teacher. She was slightly puzzled and then somehow asked me to give it a try.

I could not sing and never had the interest. However I didn’t know I could refuse or object it so I just got up, walked to the front of the class and sang As Long As You Love Me by The Backstreet Boys. My English teacher immediately said I will do and should go for the competition just because no one had the courage to try. Some of my classmates pointed out to me that I was stuttering and shaking as I was singing. It wasn’t even impressive. A young idiot I was, I just nodded and said Yes, I was scared.

During the day of the competition, I went on stage and waited for the music to play. However the idiot DJ used my tape for other students but did not play for my turn. Most of the singers were singing the same song as me. I was upset that my tape was used for others and not for me. I stood on the stage looking dumb and waiting for the music to later gotten fed up and went ahead to sing and get it over with.

I did not win, could not see any victory there. I knew I could not sing and was not expecting anything. Some of my friends comforted me saying I was brave to try. A few laughed thinking how pathetic I was. I ignored and took pride that I was brave to try it.

In a couple of years then, we had a final ceremony for the standard 6 students and I was actually kicked out from my own class performance as I thought they were not serious in the practice and found their dance to be lame. I offended my class teacher with my remarks hence exiled. (Laughs) So I joined another class.

Funny thing was, on the day of the performance, the class realized that their dance was going nowhere and decided to sing a song instead. They had appointed one of the girls to be the main singer however suddenly she got sore throat and so on. There was nobody who wanted or brave enough to give it a try.

They all sought out for me. I could not sing jack shit but it would be embarrassing for our class not to perform at all. So I did it. I went up on stage not knowing shit and sang Britney’s Oops I did it again (how appropriate this applies here).

Best part was, my beloved crush, who set the mic on stage, actually switched off my mic so my voice was never heard at all throughout the performance!!

I only realized it towards the ending but I was like screw it, I could not turn back. After the performance, I was immediately bombarded with teases. A lot thought I sounded like Britney but later laughed when they realized I was lip singing and dancing for nothing.

I found the whole thing to be comical in spite of getting ridiculed. There were those who didn’t like me and thought how dare a talentless girl dare to go up and sing.

It was later as I grew up, I came to learn that courage and bravery is an act of moving forward. Your hands may shake and sweat but that should not stop you from moving forward and doing things that you want to do. That is what courage is all about. Lots of people misunderstand that bravery and courage means you pursue without a single fear and must act like a machine. I get scared to the point my hands shake and my words stutter but despite looking so pathetically weak, I went ahead and without any regrets.

I remember arguing with somebody about a person with skills and a person with courage. He pointed out it is useless for somebody with no skills to take part in a competition. My argument was as long as you are brave to keep trying, you can develop skills. What is the point of somebody who has skills but too afraid to partake a competition? That is as good as not having any skills.

I wonder if anyone remembered the events above however it is truly memorable for me as those were my memory markers of what led me to be me today and from time to time, I reflect on what has happened as a reminder of what I have learned and acquired in life.

It was hilarious yet meaningful to me.

I’m glad to remember such things took place in my life. It brings back strength and dreams.

…. I feel much better after recalling this. I guess this can be considered a positive post after all. (Laughs)

Good day to all of you!

Well… I’m here today to express myself since I’ve been languid and in a horrendous mood off late. Reason would mostly be because of people.

I’m very unhappy with people. This is not new to you I guess, since I always seem to have problems with people. I’m certain they are also fed up with me and hope for my demise.

Anyway as my subject suggests, I just want to share a little bit about what I think of the faces people make. This is something I picked up very long time ago and from time to time, try to dismiss however it’s getting to my nerves.

First off, I don’t like to think of people’s appearance and deeming as what is ugly or not. As I blogged before about knowing the difference of being beautiful by born features or through expressions, I always perceive based on people’s characteristics so even if you have a flat nose, but when you laugh whole heartedly, you become a beautiful creature. It’s the same as those who have evil motives, it tends to show through one’s face.

I’m sadly, picking up a lot of the negative traits of people especially those whom I did not expect from which makes it more saddening. Now, I’m not ashamed for being unhelpful. I really don’t like to help a lot of people and very reluctant unless you reason with me why my help is needed. Why?

I despise being used for the wrong reasons. Reasons such as because you are lazy to do it, worry of the risks involve so you think I should take the fall kind of thing. Or just because it’s easier for me or that I’ve spare time, you think you own my life to decide that if I have a minute to breath, I must be useful to you. Or apparently because I’m smarter, so I should do more things. Well, smart people don’t allow themselves to be a tool to stupid people. Dumbass..

Therefore, I’m extremely selective because I don’t want to spoil people. Now what do you call a person who is always helping others?

Kind and helpful, correct?

But for those who are always helping because they were bullied or forced into doing and afraid to speak up… Are they considered kind and helpful even though they’re constantly complaining about it?

Well it’s not my idea and definitely I don’t wish to fall under this category of seemingly kind people who were just too much of a coward to do the right things. So I don’t mind being unkind and unhelpful — for not aiding you when you’re lazy to do something. Selfish? So be it.

Now, now.. I’m not going to tell you about how much of help I’ve given.. The kind of genuine help that is done out of concern and not intimidated into doing it.. I’ll leave it to you to believe what you can imagine.

Back on trail… Faces!

There is a certain face people make when they want your help. It is called pleading however, some cries for help has sincerity that you feel compelled to give in. While others who are out to use and abuse you, makes a seriously disgusting face.

How can I describe this? Well let’s take those comic villains for example. Those conman, coward type of characters who are always flapping their mouth. Good comic artists are skilled in portraying characteristics along with intentions through facial and gestures.

So you can imagine, how wry the faces are, with their palms rubbing and holding over your shoulder to get your approval. How they try to smile and look pitiful while justifying themselves and being so ever careful and sweet with their words.

So pretentious.. So hideous I’d barf.

And that’s why it has always been easy for me to turn down these people.

You know, sometimes I do hate the way I think and see. I hate how my heart works. It’s so vulnerable to allowing demons and insects to crawl all over and squeeze each time I have to decide whether to forgive or to punish.

“Evil, you’re so heartless and evil.”

Common words that people use to describe me even when I don’t reveal them my thoughts. When I was younger, I used to believe everything that others tell me. That I’m ugly, no good, bad, she hates me, he hates me and so on. I would take all these words home and drill hatred and loath into myself. Next day, make an effort to be the kind of person they want me to be.

As it turn out now, I learned about people’s intentions and that people don’t necessarily give you good advices during your vulnerable times. Some even take the advantage to influence you in such a time. So I woke up from all these. Made walls and always ask myself, “If there is no one here to tell you what to do, do you stop here?”

Hoping and waiting is the worse as it paralyzes you entirely. Not doing anything becomes your fault in the end. Then I just kept moving while thinking this is my last resort and not to count on anyone.

So.. You think I’m evil, heartless and selfish. Of course you think more hideous things about me. My favorite response is, “If it’s easier to understand me that way, go ahead. It doesn’t stop me from anything.” I know I’m doing some good in secret and I don’t need your approval. I no longer depend on validation from others.

I stopped explaining myself and my actions. I leave it to everybody’s ability to interpret my actions since deep down, we are all egoistic people who thinks we are the right ones no matter what is really going on. The point here, if you are like me, is to keep going as long as you know you’re doing something good that people can’t realize it yet.

… Suddenly it occurred to me that this is what cults and terrorists believe.. Right?

Shit… (Laughs)

No la, sheep is harmless!

Reading what I wrote from the top, I’m seriously a despicable person, don’t you think? How can I summon such sickening and twisted thoughts. I may take good actions but as long as I have a mind like this, people dismisses me as cruel and ruthless. So of course, standing beside innocent girls or whoever, I’m always the monster no matter what I do.

I guess.. I stay away from people because it makes me feel… Not different or special but instead, I’m a monster that don’t belong — shouldn’t belong anywhere but hell.

I’m not perfect, definitely not perfect and have lots of faults. So much that people probably think I am too critical on my judgements over them and they must be hoping for me to fall off my horse.

Well don’t worry. I’m being punished to having to live with you and I’m sentenced to being hated and envied by all of you and constantly have to watch my steps. Nobody will ever love me as I don’t have any immunity. And those who do care about me are cowards who can only say sorry all the time.

Wow saying this..

…. I need to prepare to live in solitary for the rest of my life… (´・_・`)

Hahahaha

Hello, children of the human race!

It is, I, Ms Aya, the embarassment of nature!

Just trying to sound cheerful. Gosh, don’t give me that sweat drop face. I’m trying!

Anyway, I had this memory that is sticking in the back of my head for a very long time now and I have been meaning to blog about it.

You see, one day in my final year of high school… During a bus ride back to home, my friend and neighbor sat beside me. She was in another class and is 5 days older than me. I could say she was one of the very first few friends I made upon entering that school and yet, we were not very close. She made some effort to ask me out and hang out, although for a few rounds we did, I still felt that we had a shallow friendship.

Anyway during this particular bus ride, she started her conversation with me with a huge grin on her face plus dreamy eyes. I didn’t notice her hint of wanting to talk as I was staring out the window and swimming in my own thoughts but eventually, she spoke.

She asked me, “Ashley.. What is love?”
Her eyes started dancing and soon I could sense loads of lovey dovey thoughts coming from her. I on the other hand, was taken aback by such a sudden and most importantly, lamest question and topic of all. You see, I wasn’t such a bright girl who is opened about these sort of things. Sure, I could goof around but when it comes to relationship and the subject of love, I become rather grim and rigid.

Widening my eyes at her while feeling slight goosebumps, I asked her what she thought of it instead. Asking the asker back her questions. I know. (Laughs)

She continued to ask me back, “Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Fated to be together?”

Well immediately I understood why she had such thoughts because very recently, she was struck by love for one of the boys our age and was getting into a relationship with him. She was getting all the puppy love and innocently, just had her mind on this.

I can scarcely remember my exact words but I think I was emphasizing to her the difference between fate and destiny to which astounded her into thinking I was matured and wise.

However as to her very primary question, we never got to talk much about it.

What is love?

The reason I’m blogging here is sadly, not to answer this question that has yet been figured out by me.

The memory of this friend and her openess is what brings me here today — not so much the question of hers.

I’m still rather amaze how some people can be so … Willing to talk about something… With such earnesty and sparks in their eyes.

You definitely heard of the saying that when one speaks about passion, you can tell it in their eyes.

I guess this can be applied to my dear friend here. She was someone I always regarded as a loving person, a girl who is constantly looking for the love of her life. With the way I saw people treating her, with delicacy and gentleness, she was that sort of person.

While I, could be perceived as the darker side of the moon. I was not opened to talk about love with passion and that sort of glow in their eyes. Of course, I did, later on shared my crush stories with a few classmates but I could never talk and relay my feelings with so much of passion and brightness. It was always in a shy and modest way, hoping not to speak more.

At that time, I had a minor and extremely shallow crush on a guy who presently, is married to a girl who once, people commented that she and I share the same looks. (Laughs) Life is surely a funny person to do this.

Oh well… As said, it was a shallow crush and we were strangers.

Right now I’m just stuck in the thoughts and memory of my friend here who could ask such a lame and corny question with glowing eyes. A question that makes my cheeks burn even until now.

Mmm… This is so puzzling… -__-

A Stupid Animal

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers
15
Oct

Hola, homosapiens!
It’s me, the annoying sheep who seems to be coming out of the shadows to blog lately!
Though not as frequent as before, it’s still something. (Laughs)
You know, I actually wanted to deactivate my blog years ago when I realized that there is nothing here for me to continue and knowing that work was going to be my main focus, I really wanted to shut this place I once called my bridge to society.
However my brother told me to leave it and he doesn’t mind keeping up with the yearly fees to host my blog. He said maybe one day you’d want it back.
Somehow right now, I am glad that I did not remove this blog from its existence. I noticed when I’m pretty down, I would come here and reflect on my old posts and the things I used to write out of passion and this indeed, brings me back to my path and senses. Although I’m quite embarrassed with some of the things I said (oh gosh, my old selfies!), by removing all these would only deny myself and the type of person I have been working on becoming.

Anyway, I do not wish to talk about something mundane so instead, allow me to tell you about my adventures with a chicken rice shop. (Laughs)

I’m usually someone who refuses to eat lunch while working because for one, I hate feeling bloated in public which makes me sleepy and secondly, I’m constantly on diet in fear of being fat. Now I don’t mean to shame people who are slightly fleshy. It’s just personally, I love my bones very much and paranoid of gaining weight.

However one day, I followed my colleagues out for lunch and we ate chicken rice at a shop behind our place. I was pretty amazed that we could just walk out for lunch. It could be a normal practice for you however for me, I was slightly frightened because I felt like we were skipping work or playing truant, you know. Anyway, after knowing it was within my means and that it was easily accessible in a way, I became the stupid animal that I have always been.

What do you mean by stupid animal, you ask?
Well I’m that sort of creature who can be quite fixed. If I don’t eat lunch during work, I will never be seen eating in the afternoon. Or take my regular ice blended caramel coffee with whipped cream as an example. It’s the first Coffee Bean drink I tried when it first opened in SS2 PJ back in 2000. And thereafter it has always been my primary choice. I drank other flavors before only because I was given the wrong order.

Anyway I meant to say that I can be very routined and habitual, like an animal. Surely some of you can relate to this.

So then… I started going out to get chicken rice at the same time usually, 12.30pm ~ 1.00pm. I hated myself for cultivating this because I felt fat and wasting my time to walk out and eat when I could do other things. Furthermore, although the shop is just behind my office, I had to walk one big round to get there.

Whenever I go over, I would help my boss and colleagues to pack back. Now here comes the pain in the ass.

My boss is quite particular about what she wants, which I am fine with it. However each time I go and come back from the shop, I was always given something else and worse, I paid extra for something I did not get.

For a couple of times, I thought it was just a fluke. Maybe they were busy and forgotten so I just apologized to my boss and paid the outstanding from my pocket since it was my fault for not checking.

However the carelessness of the shop got very frequent. Last month was the last straw for me and it pissed me off greatly. I paid extra for chicken thighs with pork but was not given the pork at all. Previously they gave me the pork but the chicken was breast etc. I was getting mismatches but paying for the same expensive shit.

So I had enough. I was flabbergasted as to why I have to apologize to my boss everytime I buy a fucking chicken rice and had to fork out my money for this bloody shop. How would my boss think of me as a secretary who cannot even get a chicken rice order on spot?

It was an insult to my image and grooming. So… I took the chicken rice back to the shop and called out for the big boss and spoke to her coldly. I don’t know if I could be considered scary, fierce, frightening or so.. I guess a second person is needed to confirm this but all I know is I gave her a piece of my mind saying things like, “You think it’s funny for me to walk here in my high heels and go back with something else? Do you think it’s funny for me to pay with my money to my colleagues for your mistake? If I buy 10 packets of rice, do you want me to open each and every one of them at your counter to check? I can make that happen. Why? Do you think I’m cute so it’s ok to mess up my orders and charge me expensively!?”

The lady boss kept apologizing and explained that maybe her staffs were new and so on. I took the bloody pork and left. After this, as I have told you about being a stupid animal — I completely stopped going to this shop as though blacklisted and when I see them, I give a scornful face. (Laughs)

… There you have it. A slice of my slice. (Laughs nervously)