Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

I’m still alive! For those wishing me to die just because they are so envious of my shine — not today, not ever! (Laughs)

Life is being funny and comical with me. Sometimes I think I should have a comic about myself. However there isn’t much conclusion to what is happening thusfar, let’s put that on hold.

A couple of months back, I was talking to one of my colleagues about men. I asked him how is it that men can go on multiple dates with different women without a sense of commitment. On my own, when I’m interested in a guy, I can’t think or even allow myself to go out or be too friendly with other guys.

He said it’s normal for men to fish that way. They go out to try a few people and see which woman responses more.

This is something I fail to grasp.
Today, I asked another guy about this. To be fair, I won’t proclaim this as a “men’s” trait as I believe an army of women are also playing this sort of games.

This guy gave me the same response, saying it makes one feel good about themselves.

Well, I wonder if I should learn to play that game because as I am right now, nothing is fruitful nor does it seem like a redeeming quality.
You know, I’ll pick one story from my youthful days to share with you. There was a time I had a major crush on this senior whom of course, never shared mutual feelings for me. It was extremely one sided and I knew it better.
Despite so, I enjoyed just having small talks or to watch him afar. I did have a fair chance to improve things however I never quite took it. Such as a chance to go to his class to discuss things and pass messages from the teachers.
Anyway after I left, I later learned a lot of things I’ve missed out while I was in daze for this guy. While I was trying so hard to get his attention or to follow him around, I had actually made friends along the way. I was surrounded by other seniors whom the girls my age were head over heels for them and yet I did not feel it when they were in front of me, trying to get to know me. I remembered peering over them to look out for the other guy. (Laughs)

As to why I don’t fight for him, well I get easily discouraged. I never have it in me that I could win a person over. I get easily insecure and jealous. Then instead of confronting, I convince myself that I’m not wanted and it’s better to walk away and let people be happy. I’ve never recovered from this mentality and it seems like it will persist till my death.

I have been this kind of idiot even until now. I don’t know if this is called loyalty or narrow minded. Can it be called a noble deed?
Well, currently I have no one in mind and this makes it so much worse because I feel so scattered and aimless. At least when I had a person in mind, I could channel every effort into becoming good person. Although I’m told to do things for myself, I’ll admit that I don’t really think much about what I really want despite how arrogant and obnoxious I carry myself to be.

Sigh, when I develop feelings for somebody, it becomes depressing. When I’m all alone, it’s just as depressing.

Oh well… This is my life and its cycle. There’s really nothing envious about me. (Laughs)

In a few days time, I’m going to be another year older.
By terms and appearance, I think I still look the same. Not to say very youthful but just as I was years ago.
Coming to 28, I should be referred to as a lady or woman however as the title suggests, I feel that I still sort of behave like a little girl.
You can say I’m childish and all to which I don’t deny. However it’s just the way I carry myself. I don’t seem to reflect myself as a lady nor a woman. Funny though, I was recalling one time in my teen years. I was at my father’s office and was taking the lift down. My brother’s school mate who was working part-time shared the ride down with me.
We stood at each end of the elevator and she looked at me while I was sipping on my coke.
She asked me if I always wore those kind of clothes and where I was going. Well I was dressed in a large singlet and a pair of baggy three-quarter pants with my sports shoes while a denim bag over my shoulder.
I replied, “Yea. I’m playing football later. Why?”
She looked away and said, “Oh. Ok.”
Then I looked at her and suddenly I felt a huge difference between us. She was 2 years older and was in a tight blouse and even tighter black skirt. She had neat shoulder length hair and her face was like glowing and probably her nails were done up nicely while I prolly could have been mistaken to be her little rascal brother.

At that time, I was ignorant to the world of feminine taste so I was not bothered. However it has become an encounter that I often recall each time I question my place and image among people.
Until today, I still feel less of a person but not so much to the point of depression. I’ve accepted and embraced the way I am and am never going to allow anybody to deform me. My pride just won’t allow that. (Laughs)

Besides, people stick to me for awhile because they think I’m a fun mystery but leave later after finding someone better or easier to understand. It’s always easy to love someone who is always happy but it’s hard to hold a person who is constantly crying.
However life plays out, I’m going to have fun, cry and have fun again and again.
I’m looking forward for a meaningful life.

Despite that I am a fully grown adult, there are many things I fail to realize as what an adult is capable of. I am fully aware of what other people are capable of however I seem not to understand that I too can perform the same acts.

As of last year, I started to join my company’s dinner on almost a monthly basis. It is usually dining in a Chinese restaurant or sometimes a casual celebration. Until now, I am still not accustomed to eating with a crowd of people. It’s pretty funny because whenever we are eating a Chinese course — those kind of round tables where we spin the dishes around for everyone to take, I can’t grasps the table manners.

Usually the person beside me will help to serve the food or even scoop the fish for me (Laughs). I must be an annoying person, right? I will not take food for myself because I worry I might spill and cause trouble along with raising questions as to why I can’t seem to help myself properly with the food. When my colleagues asked, I would jokingly say I’m pampered and spoiled. When in fact, I refrained from telling them that I actually scarcely ever eat with people.

You see, this is a normal way of dining in a Chinese family or any families. It is natural to eat together and share food with one another. However I didn’t really get to grow up like that. I remember as a child, mum was always so busy with work and father never came home. So it was just me and my brother. While my mother does take the effort to prepare food for us to heat up and eat later, we ended up eating on our own separately. And it was those type of food that is all served in one (porridge, noodles, fried rice…). We did have a maid taking care of us later on however we hardly sat on the table together.

Dining in a restaurant was hard to come by. We didn’t live with that privilege and when we do dine out, it was hawker or some fast food place. I remember there were times my father brought us along for his company dinners and it was one of those with lots of people and cuisines being served. But we never could stay to really experience the formal dining as my father always hurried us out. He had the tendency to pack food from his company dinner for us to feed ourselves at home.

In my teen years, I isolated myself even more.

I realized that I was not accustomed to dining with a crowd of people some time last year. It was when I sat with one of my colleagues and fish was served. I didn’t know how to take the fish so I passed. My colleague noticed and asked if I wanted it. I didn’t know how to answer. Because eating fish wasn’t exactly something I ate a lot as a whole. So he helped me out along with other ‘difficult’ dishes. He and the others kept telling me not to be shy and it seemed like they were all pampering me like a spoiled girl who needs to be served. I kept still and then started asking myself how come I behave like I’ve never eaten before. This was such a simple and ordinary day to day thing.

Anyway thinking about this has made me realized further about many other things. As I have started with, I never fully realized that I’m a grown adult now with independence and empowerment of my own. Take my tattoos for an example. It was something I wanted to do since high school but didn’t do it immediately after I got out from school. It was later in my 20s that occurred to me that I was no longer in school and was not bounded by anything.

Even though I started driving for a long time now, I’m still constrained in a thought that I cannot simply go anywhere and so on. I’m of age to date and drink. I have money compared to before and I could actually get the things I’ve always wanted.

In spite of all these newly profound privileges, I’m glad that I do not abuse it — especially my family’s wealth which my brother worked so hard on. You know, I sense that there are people who think I’m a rich spoiled brat who spends her money away on clothes and cool things. They probably think I don’t deserve a good life and they most likely believe as someone richer than others, I should be more charitable and humble.

Well.. I don’t reveal to them about what I have gone through with my family and I don’t need them to know I had it rough just to get their approval for the way I live my life now. I must say though… I don’t like poor people.

Strange, isn’t it? Coming from someone who has been at the bottom?

You see.. As someone who was poor.. You get to see the true colors of the people around you. Of course, we were baffled by well to do people and frowned upon. However, I was not affected by the taunts of the richer kids but in fact, I was pulled down by those who were as poor as me. To put it simply, I have seen how ugly a poor person can be and there are reasons as to why certain people remain poor.

A lot say that poor people make up with bigger and kinder hearts than the richer people however it does not necessarily apply. Some poor people tend to adopt the victimized mentality, believing that everyone got things their way out of luck and not deserving of blessings. They are blind to the struggles of other people who managed to overcome and achieve success. They think that just because they are at the disadvantage, they cannot do anything and should be pitied and assisted by the capable ones at the same time they want the benefit and chance to feel superior over others.

How do I put it?

Sigh.. I wish I didn’t see through so much about people. Now I’m going to sleep with ugly thoughts. (T_T)

Good evening, everyone!

I didn’t expect to have some free time in this evening to blog here. There was supposed to be a long meeting today that leads to dinner however it has been cancelled last minute and to be held on another day.

Usually I would prefer to head home however I have been staying out until late at night, dining alone somewhere, reading books or writing in my diary. You can say I’m kind of disturbed and down. This is definitely not new to you and it seems I only blog when I’m upset. Sigh… I miss writing happy and dandy posts, you know.

For a start, there are a few farewells at my workplace and I felt kind of attached to a few people so it does hurt a bit to watch them go. There are a few other farewells of different forms such as feelings, friends and a part of myself.

I want to share with you something on courage. I don’t know if I can pass myself as someone who has courage. I think I do — only to an extend. Since young, a lot of my friends and adults complimented me saying I was always so brave and daring.
One example was the time I reached 10 years old. There was going to be a singing competition and the teacher asked for any students to participate. She tried to pluck some students however they were so shy and scared. All the students shook their heads and avoided eye contact with our English teacher. She was slightly puzzled and then somehow asked me to give it a try.

I could not sing and never had the interest. However I didn’t know I could refuse or object it so I just got up, walked to the front of the class and sang As Long As You Love Me by The Backstreet Boys. My English teacher immediately said I will do and should go for the competition just because no one had the courage to try. Some of my classmates pointed out to me that I was stuttering and shaking as I was singing. It wasn’t even impressive. A young idiot I was, I just nodded and said Yes, I was scared.

During the day of the competition, I went on stage and waited for the music to play. However the idiot DJ used my tape for other students but did not play for my turn. Most of the singers were singing the same song as me. I was upset that my tape was used for others and not for me. I stood on the stage looking dumb and waiting for the music to later gotten fed up and went ahead to sing and get it over with.

I did not win, could not see any victory there. I knew I could not sing and was not expecting anything. Some of my friends comforted me saying I was brave to try. A few laughed thinking how pathetic I was. I ignored and took pride that I was brave to try it.

In a couple of years then, we had a final ceremony for the standard 6 students and I was actually kicked out from my own class performance as I thought they were not serious in the practice and found their dance to be lame. I offended my class teacher with my remarks hence exiled. (Laughs) So I joined another class.

Funny thing was, on the day of the performance, the class realized that their dance was going nowhere and decided to sing a song instead. They had appointed one of the girls to be the main singer however suddenly she got sore throat and so on. There was nobody who wanted or brave enough to give it a try.

They all sought out for me. I could not sing jack shit but it would be embarrassing for our class not to perform at all. So I did it. I went up on stage not knowing shit and sang Britney’s Oops I did it again (how appropriate this applies here).

Best part was, my beloved crush, who set the mic on stage, actually switched off my mic so my voice was never heard at all throughout the performance!!

I only realized it towards the ending but I was like screw it, I could not turn back. After the performance, I was immediately bombarded with teases. A lot thought I sounded like Britney but later laughed when they realized I was lip singing and dancing for nothing.

I found the whole thing to be comical in spite of getting ridiculed. There were those who didn’t like me and thought how dare a talentless girl dare to go up and sing.

It was later as I grew up, I came to learn that courage and bravery is an act of moving forward. Your hands may shake and sweat but that should not stop you from moving forward and doing things that you want to do. That is what courage is all about. Lots of people misunderstand that bravery and courage means you pursue without a single fear and must act like a machine. I get scared to the point my hands shake and my words stutter but despite looking so pathetically weak, I went ahead and without any regrets.

I remember arguing with somebody about a person with skills and a person with courage. He pointed out it is useless for somebody with no skills to take part in a competition. My argument was as long as you are brave to keep trying, you can develop skills. What is the point of somebody who has skills but too afraid to partake a competition? That is as good as not having any skills.

I wonder if anyone remembered the events above however it is truly memorable for me as those were my memory markers of what led me to be me today and from time to time, I reflect on what has happened as a reminder of what I have learned and acquired in life.

It was hilarious yet meaningful to me.

I’m glad to remember such things took place in my life. It brings back strength and dreams.

…. I feel much better after recalling this. I guess this can be considered a positive post after all. (Laughs)