Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

Greetings, people of all kinds.

This marks my first entry for the year. As much as I wish to blog something positive, to my dismay, I have a rather grim news to share instead.

Right now I am at the airport making my way back and I heard that a fellow colleague, and friend had passed away this morning, in a road accident. I’m a little devastated at the moment and the news haven’t fully digest enough to react. I’m outstation at the moment, I have no Facebook and am slowly withdrawing from Instagram. I learn about the news through my fellow colleague and apart from that, I have nothing for my eyes to see for its proof of reality.

I guess tomorrow I’ll only be able to live with the fact that he is gone and beyond reach.

He is a very young boy and pretty happy-go-lucky, absolutely friendly and harmless. I won’t declare that we are extremely close and significant to one another however I feel sad upon thinking that he has left us in such a way. Though he had resigned from our workplace, he still kept in touch with us from time to time and that led me to think we’ll always have another time to hang out and talk again.
The last time I met him was perhaps 3 weeks back. The last time messaged; some time last week.

So indeed, I’m shocked to realize that I won’t be getting random messages nor will I be sending stupid hellos and “when are you coming to see us” messages to him.

Death isn’t something that occurs much to me. The only time I experienced a funeral ceremony was my late aunt; elder sister to my mother. I was 8 ~ 10 years old. My memory on the details is fuzzy however adequate to know how dreadful and impactful it was.
I also had a friend and former school mate who passed away due to cancer some time 2 years ago. We were not incredibly close but we did exchange words once in a blue moon. The last time she wrote to me was 2 years ago, when I posted on Facebook that I received a bouquet of flowers for the first time. Another friend joked that I could have sent it to myself and my late friend wrote saying that was mean and congrats on the flowers.

That was the last sentence I got from her to later learned that she passed away.

I never knew she was suffering from cancer. She was so lowkey about it and I noticed she was falling out of the radar but I just thought she had things going on in her life that she didn’t need Facebook to tell anyone about how eventful her life was. But sadly it was a reversal.
I did not attend her ceremony. I just read the news all over Facebook and tracked back her posts in disbelief.

Did I cry? Will I cry? I’m not sure how I’ll react. Mentally, I tell myself that after a person walks out of my life and scarcely sees me, he or she will be as good as gone. I have it in my mind that if I don’t see people for a long time, they are just somewhere continuing their lives and perhaps I will hear or read about them without actually seeing them. However to accept that when someone passes on and there will never be a chance to reach out to this person nor learn about the journey of their lives, it’s a depressing thought and everything about them becomes past tense.

That boy is so young. We talked about what he would like to do and full of “next times”. Very upsetting. I can only imagine his family and friends must be even more upset for his loss.
For now, this is all I have to blog.

My apologies, no corny jokes and moments to throw in now for obvious reasons.. hahaha

Good day, everyone! How are you doing in life? Year 2016 is ending pretty soon and as always, we’re so baffled at how fast time flies.
I hope you’ve accomplished the goals that were set at the beginning of the year and if not, don’t despair; continue to keep moving towards it.
Things are considerably well for me. Life seems to be continuously pulling my legs. (Laughs)
Anyway earlier today, I was going through some things from the past in my brother’s bedroom. It’s not nice to snoop but hay, he asked me to help keep something for him and I happened to find our old photo album and some books.
My brother may not look the part but he’s pretty sentimental and values his things from childhood. I admire that he is able to keep things for so long while I’m on the contrary.
Flipping through our family album dredges a lot of unpleasant memories. Too many however I’ll pick one to share. As the title of this post suggests, have you ever felt that you are at the mercy of others? It may not be the kind of situation whereby you are dying and pleading for help however it could be in the form of a person’s time, mood and influence.
When I was small, my mum, brother and myself felt that way with my father. It was his mood or charity that determined our day. And most of the time, it was always bad. My father had a flaring temper and he didn’t like us among the secret affairs he had. If he had liked us, he wouldn’t have any affairs in the place. But were we that despicable? I could never understand nor see his way.
So yes, whenever he said he was coming home, it always came with a promise of taking us out or doing some family stuffs and as a kid, of course you’d be delighted to see your father who scarcely comes home. At first I was a gullible child who waited at the door for his return right after he calls. Sometimes he returned very late till I fell asleep, other times not at all. And when he did come back, he was always in a bad mood and straight into a fight with mum.
This repeated and it became severe as time went by; it became a fear whenever he called to announce that he was coming home. Instead of waiting at the door for him eagerly, I became frightened wondering if he is in a bad mood again; what can we do to make him not angry, is he going to scold mum again? Is he going to hit mum again? Is he going to hit my brother? Is he going to leave us with no money or kick us out of the house? What can I do?
We could never tell what happened at work that put him in such a bad mood that we had to suffer from it. So as said, we were literally at the mercy of his mood. We could have a really bad day and at times, hurt from a physical fight.
This had happened a long time ago and he isn’t part of our lives for some time now. I should get over it but I still feel this way from other people. Sometimes and from some people, I sensed that they have this sort of intention to put themselves above others.
Since I learned about this perspective from young, I begun expanding it and taught myself to see it in other people while instilling in myself to prevent it from ever happening to me. The feeling of being gullible and hopeful, the eagerness to cling onto people’s words, the anticipation of promises to later be let downed just because they suddenly don’t feel like it or never had the intention in the first place. I moulded myself to be firm and never to succumbed to sweet words anymore. It sucks to feel helpless yet have to do everything in your ability to make a person want to be with you or keep to their promises. I guess people enjoy watching others put in effort for their attention. Perhaps because I have quite a pride, I usually choose to walk away (or spit first) before licking one’s shoe. (Laughs)
By far, what others have done is considered petty over what that man did. However, it still happens in many ways.
Bottom line is… There is a fine line to pleasing somebody and yourself just to be with that person. If that person really loves you, you wouldn’t have to be at his/her mercy so frequently. How would you know when to stop waiting on a person? Well if seeing that person no longer makes you happy as you were before, that’s the end of it.
Mmm… I wonder if my post here makes any sense and if I drifted from the topic.
Oh well. On a much merrier note, I was playing FF:XV and though sadly I’m not able to complete the game (over a rather lengthy reason), I’m pretty happy and hope to continue the game. It’s really nice and the fantasy world design is impressive. Read that a Malaysian led the project for the landscapes and places in the FF world. The story is a bit confusing for me however you might appreciate it more than me.
Another game that caught my interest in Until Dawn. Yes, sheep is slow but the whole butterfly effect is giving my mind a thought to toy with.
Perhaps you can look it up.

That’s all I have to blog for now. Stay cool and thanks for reading. ^^

Similar Fate

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers

I’m here to write about a dog I once, was eager to own.
I was 12 years old at that time and was really happy that I could adopt a dog from a shelter. On my first trip to the shelter, I rounded the place with my mum to pick out a dog and we found one that looked so amazing, as though a cross breed between a Collie and a Siberian Husky. It had long orange coat and ears like a fox.
After rounding, we decided to take home that dog however we had to wait for a month’s time for the shelter’s inspection and approval.
When the time came to collect the dog, I was disappointed because upon reaching the shelter, the people there told me that I could not have it and had to reselect another one. Their reason was that the dog is too fierce and cannot be tamed. I looked at the dog afar while bars were in between us. It seemed fine and I couldn’t understand. I was alone with my driver so I had no parental assistance. The people then showed me around and persuaded me that I could adopt another and immediately take it home.
So I walked around until a dog escaped from its cell and ran into me. Eventually, I chose this fella who then became Choco, my pet and aboveall, best friend.
Meeting people or anything is amazing. There is always something in a certain point of time that collides, creating memories and lessons for us all.
Meeting Choco by chance has a great story behind it. However I will not tell you this story yet.
Let’s go back to the ‘fox’ dog.
From time to time, I would reflect and pondered what if I had that dog instead of Choco, how different would things be? Of course after having Choco by my side, I had not desired to ever replace him as he was a great companion.
But recently, my perspective on this developed differently. I’m beginning to think that I share the same fate as the fox dog. In a sense that I will never be selected or taken by anyone because of the discouraging words by others. Just as the shelter people were discouraging me about adopting the dog because it was believed to be ‘wild’ and undomesticated, I sense that people must be believing and telling each other that I’m a difficult girl and to just stay away from me.
That struck out to me recently and it sank in my thoughts.
I now wonder how many people may have wanted to adopt that fox dog but was turned away by the shelter? Did the dog ever get adopted? Despite being discouraged, did someone finally stand up and say, “It’s allright, I still want that dog” and took it home.
Did it live its remaining life span in a shelter, waiting without knowing that it was denied because it was labelled as wild and not suitable as a pet?
… Am I sharing the same fate whereby I’m being denied a chance to be part of a relationship or circle?
… sobby..

I’m here to annoy you with my thoughts on something very recent.
Yesterday, my colleague told me that he dreamed both of us were dating. It was hilarious coming from a married man. He said it was really strange as he was recently dreaming about our colleagues and of course, me being part of the dream was seriously odd.
Well please don’t get the idea that I’m an affair of a married man. It’s really nothing and please don’t tell his wife or she will beat him up for cheating on her in his dreams.
Anyway, while telling this funny dream, our conversation then shifted to advising me on my love life crisis.
As everyone seems to know, I’m in a hopeless state of finding a guy to even start a friendship with.
Am I that bad and useless as a female? I wouldn’t know despite being the main subject here. In any case, my colleague was consulting me about my wellbeing and all.
Apparently I give out mixed signals so guys don’t know if I’m interested or not. Apparently I have an ego and very high expectations in people. It’s been some time since I had a guy in mind to care for because the previous one was not very sincere and I decided to cut off our ties – whatever you call that, consider it done and dusted.
I was telling my colleague that I can’t seem to pursue people as passionately and firmly as I go for things. When it comes to winning a competition (of my interest) or to get things and position.. As long as it is not human, I have the drive to pursue. Simply because things and objects cannot betray me; it’s all up to my perspective.
However people are different. They change, they lie, they hide — you can do anything and everything for them but at the end of the day, if they don’t like you, it never matters what you do.
People are easily swayed and influenced. A slight rumor or lies and you’re out. This leads me to refrain from investing emotions and affections for people. My colleague was dishearten to learn that I think this way and he could only tell me that I’m far away from understanding people to which I don’t deny.
The following day, my mother also lectured me about when am I ever going to start dating.
Pretty annoying and it would have worsen should I explain myself.
That’s why I’m here to express myself. (Laughs)
I know there are people who are curious and concerned about me. I guess I give out a feeling that I may have surrendered my life totally.
I’m not bend on living as a single for most parts of my life. At the same time, I am preparing to be as independent as I can be in case I’m really unwanted.
I don’t like to always go out by myself; dinner, movies or sightseeing alone. It’s depressing. But I still go ahead because — sitting alone and waiting for someone to find me in my cave is not going to happen. I think I hid myself from the world long enough to know this isn’t going to amount to anything. So I decided if nobody can take me out, I can still go out and find other happiness, although sadly I’m alone to witness all this.
What I do now is try to keep myself occupied with activities, whether it involves people or on my own. It helps as a distraction and discover new things along with skills. Unfortunately, I don’t have a strong lust for life and things are getting dull and mundane. Usually I would pick a few people to observe and humor myself in trying to understand characteristics but even that is getting boring.
When I was a little girl, I think I was ‘told’ that I won’t live pass 30.
So I’m going to try and have as much fun as I can get. There will be days when I do wrong and cry, or tempers flaring.. Or reasonless smiles.
There’s still time. ( ̄▽ ̄)