Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

Greetings to all, grand people!

I wish to rant on a few past matters that seem to be dredging up lately.

As the title suggests, I’m pretty sure everyone has a similar nemesis as in — there is someone in your life that wishes to destroy you entirely. Either they do it out of rivalry or simply and disgustingly out of envy.

This happens to all of us at some point in our lives and this experience is not biased when it comes to age. It can happen when you are too young to realize it or when you are old enough to wonder why you still have to deal with this nonsense.

I’ll share a couple of stories with you:

When I was schooling, friends often compliment what a nice name I have, particularly my middle name. There aren’t many Ashleys so it was rare. Whatever. To me I was more happy that my friends were calling me by my familiar name and that was all it matters.

But there were one or two who didn’t like the attention I was getting so what they did was — they mocked me by calling my name sarcastically and then slowly calling me any names except my preferred name. It was hilarious how they tried to change my name and purposedly silencing the middle name.

At that time, I was kind of oblivious to their intentions and I actually thought they had retarded tongues by being unable to pronounce properly. It was only later on that I picked up the motives behind the name calling. Juvenile indeed.

Another would be a case of my habit of washing my hands after touching objects and people. I do not fall under the category of a hygiene freak. It’s just that I really need to wash my hands to feel better and to rid of the feelings of an object or person. Some of you may notice that when I’m touching something filthy, I tend to make obvious expressions of reluctance and really — it can be extremely comical! You can even hear me whining some jibberish that you can never make out.

But no matter how I detest touching something, I’d still do it if it is very important (fucking blue tag), just as long as you let me dash to the sink to have my hands washed.

However, there is a certain someone whom, I shall not name, has a satisfaction of watching me get tormented. This person found out how much I detest touching filthy things and know that I always wash my hands no matter what. So this person on purposes, make me do that sort of clean up — which I don’t mind, but that person would mock me while at it saying, “See? It’s nothing. You think your hands are so precious and clean? We are all doing it and nobody is complaining except you. What makes you special? You are doing what I’m doing now.”

After being fed this sort of words, whether it was clearing garbage or other issues, I learn to sense that people are trying to bring me down to the lowest level, whether they are there or lower than that.

The worst part was — I wasn’t allowed to wash my hands after that and when I forcefully went to wash my hands, I was mocked, “You won’t die if you don’t wash your hands.” I could see how irritated the person was when I could wash my hands and be relieved about it. I could see the satisfaction of the person’s face when I dying to have them cleaned but couldn’t.

I hope you can understand what I am trying to imply. I know… The need to wash my hands sounds petty. But it does happen in other ways whereby people try to drag you down from what you are and how pride you are about yourself.

You cannot deny that there is always somebody out the who wants to see you fall just because they envy you and they are sicken by your success or possesion that they sadly do not have.

The distorted faces they put on when you are doing great and the satsifaction smirks they give when you are failing — indeed humans can be so ugly.

Yes, you are telling me that not everyone is like that. Unfortunately, that sort of comfort and hope no longer exist in me so I’d suggest you give this hope to your friends and loved ones before they become as numb as me.

I feel betrayed easily hence I do not put my heart on anything nor anyone. I’m not being negative, modest or some damsel in distress. I don’t get why people say I’m being cute and modest about it.

I feel like an evil wretch being dismissed as a lil sheep who doesn’t know what she is saying. I created this image, I guess. It’s alright though, one should not live based on another’s approval after all.

Anyway, this is all I have to share for now — after not blogging for a long time.

I wonder if you all are doing great… Stay happy in your own ways, that’s my wish for you now. ( ̄▽ ̄)

Dear readers and stumblers,

It has been a tremendously long time since my last update. If you were to read my previous posts, you will notice that I start my sentences with “hey it’s been a long time.” (Laughs) It seems that I visit my blog once a month.

Anyway, I wonder if everyone is having a good time. We are already in the month of June and damn, time is surely moving fast. A lot of things are happening globally such as earthquakes, boats capsizing, plane crashes and so on. It is so unfortunate for those who are going through such disasters.

As for those who are safe from the above terrors, we too still have our individual struggles to go day by day.

Sigh… Speaking of individual struggles, I am having several of my own. Since last month, life has been so suffocating for me. The work load is fine however, it’s the people and all the interaction with them that is suffocating me somehow. Apart from that, some people turned out to be major disappoinments and annoyances which makes me want to just pick up my feet and run as far as I can go. In addition, I got myself attached to some people and soon they are going to leave me. I am.. Sadly not a person who can bear farewells as I fear getting abandoned, despite being someone who prefers to be alone, once I have some sort of fondness, I become a little sheep wanting its sheperd.

Bottomline, life is pretty languid on my side. (´・_・`)

… But I will manage it somehow. It’s just a matter of setting emotions aside and things will be alright again.
It’s funny. I always thought that emotions will help to push a person forward, like how desire fuels a person. But the way it appears, emotions does nothing but creating stumbling blocks.

If that is what emotions do to me, I rather not feel a thing regardless of how heartless it’s going to be. Afterall, this is an individual battle so it concerns no one, nay?

Anyway, I got to go now.

Hope you are faring way better than me in life!


Hello, people of the world!

This is Ms Aya who is feeling languid and having lots of questions in mind. While I try to divert my attention from all this towards work, everything seems futile and thoughts are worsening instead.

Many a times, I get people telling me that I am innocent and naive to which I do not understand how they can perceive me that way. I have been telling them that I am not however to no heed and they always think that I am being polite and modest over it.

I know what kind of thoughts I conjure and how malicious they get but at the end of the day, nothing manifests because I always make good decisions that does not involve too much evilness.

People and friends are encouraging me to talk to them about my problems. I do tell them that I am having problems but I never emphasize and apparently this frustrates people leading them to think this is my fault and own causing in the first place.

I always stay by this thought that I should never seek anyone at my vulnerable times because that is the very time when people plant ideas and illusions that do not necessarily mean well for my or others’ being.

By the end of this post, I doubt that I will be able to reveal even a bit of what I am trying to say. :(

There is this song that goes by the lyrics of, “You don’t do anything, you’re moving but you don’t do anything. You don’t say anything, you’re talking but you don’t say anything.”

Sigh… :(

Hello, hello, hello~~

Just a super quick post because I’m too excited to do something else!

For those who are fans of Quinrose’s Heart no Kuni no Alice series, you can play it on your iphone or ipad too!

The best thing about this is — There is English subtitles!

No shit, for real! The voices remains in Japanese however the text are in English so for those who are not too literate with Japanese, this is for you~ <3

The English is slightly broken though; grammar and spelling mistakes however fathomable.

However, you need to pay (of course, it’s Apple dakara) to get the full game!

The game play is much simpler than on PSP though. You don’t have to keep visiting the other territories and count the turns as everything is led to the main events. You can still unlock Friend events by selecting the answers accordingly. Also you can switch on the Favourable Anime, which is each time you choose the good answer, a rose appears. If there is no rose animation, means you have chosen the bad answer so you have a chance of rewinding.

Oh my grod~ This is heaven for me!!!

I must say.. I’m a grown up lady but still a sucker for this (Laughs).

Well it seems that real life people are not fond of me, neither am I so this is one of the things I retreat to for comfort and entertain..

Saraba~~! :D