Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

Good afternoon, homosapiens!

I’m here to give this blog a little bit of life! Haha. Well right now I’m completely deprived of my own voice as I have an incredibly bad cough and a very sore throat. Literally, no voice for the first time in my living years. I can only whisper and I assure you, it’s not those seductive sort of whispers that enchants one to the bedroom but instead, I think I sound like a granny who removed her dentures for the night. (Laughs)

Anyway, I’m about to blog to you my lil story here on something that had happened last year. You see, I’ve mentioned that love has never happened to me for all this time, which is so true. However, there were attempts that just did not succeed.

I won’t go in depth in telling how it all begun but I’ll tell you the end of it; as the start had long been forgotten. There was a colleague whom I did care for however there were many undeniable signs that showed me how unrealistic it will turn out to be. It was the kind of friendship that started out from hatred to caring; from slamming doors to my face to holding doors for me.

I could tell he was interested and involved with another girl despite his lack of admittance to it. And that led me to discontinue any attempts to get any closer. However I had always opted for running away instead of confronting so this time, I wondered how it would be like to admit my side for a change rather than just walking away.

So I did it, I told him my feelings on three different occasions. Each time getting clearer but to no response. Even an upfront rejection would have satisfied me. I had let go bit by bit of feelings and became realistic each time however I came to a thought that maybe this guy doesn’t want to tell me off because he wants to fool around.

I was and never will be obnoxious enough to think anyone would choose me over other girls. There was a moment of weakness whereby I contemplated that just because I couldn’t get what I want, does it mean I cannot continue doing nice things for that person? Do I only care in hopes of getting something in return?

Sooner, things became more apparent and I was right to have told him what I had to and walked away because a couple of weeks later, I found out my suspicions were all along on spot. The main give away was that the girl made a spiteful remark about me when I walked by her. Of course, girls cannot contain their victory. The fact that he did not want to tell me was a major put off because it was like he intended to lead me on. How else did he want me to find out? Awesome thing is, I had always been a sharp and smart motherfucker. (Laughs)

Ever since then, despite that we still work in the same building, we do not speak nor have any contact with one another. Now some would ask whether it was hard to live like this. Well, initially I thought it would be hard. But if the person doesn’t attempt to fix or recover you, seriously it means nothing to you. Though arguably it was a shallow feeling for one another hence the easier detachment.

I’m not blogging about this to dwell in it. I’m very much over it. He is more dead to me than my friend who recently passed away. I’m blogging this for myself to read back my memories and pick up my strength in times of weakness.

If you were to ask what did I like about him, perhaps if you had asked earlier I could have answered. But now there is really no form of fondness to recall from that person. And if anyone asks me about this, I would admit that I did have feelings for him despite how mismatch people would comment. I’m not ashamed for I was sincere at that time. I guess, my bravery and courage to speak the truth scares people.

Anyway, the above ended early last year and since then, I picked myself up and continued to my direction. For someone who doesn’t project emotions of love for people, I’m not afraid to embrace it for the man who will deeply love me. I don’t understand why people are playing this “I don’t care” and mysterious game. Passion is always tons more attractive over a person who doesn’t care about anything. Perhaps they had a rough life and couldn’t bring back that flame and lust for life then again, I had an ordeal myself and could have been many indecent things.

It’s all about the choices we make, right?

You know, I’m starting to notice somebody but pretty soon I’m going to end it the same way because I sensed that there is no reliability and security. I don’t want to be that stupid animal again to keep following to my depression. (Laughs) I’ll save this piece of chapter for another time.

For now, I’ve spouted enough and I’m in the mood to watch some Markiplier videos. (Laughs) Come on, it’s a beautiful Sunday! Gotta bask and enjoy a good relaxing day rather than harboring insecurities and doubts.

!!rolls on bed!!

Greetings, people of all kinds.

This marks my first entry for the year. As much as I wish to blog something positive, to my dismay, I have a rather grim news to share instead.

Right now I am at the airport making my way back and I heard that a fellow colleague, and friend had passed away this morning, in a road accident. I’m a little devastated at the moment and the news haven’t fully digest enough to react. I’m outstation at the moment, I have no Facebook and am slowly withdrawing from Instagram. I learn about the news through my fellow colleague and apart from that, I have nothing for my eyes to see for its proof of reality.

I guess tomorrow I’ll only be able to live with the fact that he is gone and beyond reach.

He is a very young boy and pretty happy-go-lucky, absolutely friendly and harmless. I won’t declare that we are extremely close and significant to one another however I feel sad upon thinking that he has left us in such a way. Though he had resigned from our workplace, he still kept in touch with us from time to time and that led me to think we’ll always have another time to hang out and talk again.
The last time I met him was perhaps 3 weeks back. The last time messaged; some time last week.

So indeed, I’m shocked to realize that I won’t be getting random messages nor will I be sending stupid hellos and “when are you coming to see us” messages to him.

Death isn’t something that occurs much to me. The only time I experienced a funeral ceremony was my late aunt; elder sister to my mother. I was 8 ~ 10 years old. My memory on the details is fuzzy however adequate to know how dreadful and impactful it was.
I also had a friend and former school mate who passed away due to cancer some time 2 years ago. We were not incredibly close but we did exchange words once in a blue moon. The last time she wrote to me was 2 years ago, when I posted on Facebook that I received a bouquet of flowers for the first time. Another friend joked that I could have sent it to myself and my late friend wrote saying that was mean and congrats on the flowers.

That was the last sentence I got from her to later learned that she passed away.

I never knew she was suffering from cancer. She was so lowkey about it and I noticed she was falling out of the radar but I just thought she had things going on in her life that she didn’t need Facebook to tell anyone about how eventful her life was. But sadly it was a reversal.
I did not attend her ceremony. I just read the news all over Facebook and tracked back her posts in disbelief.

Did I cry? Will I cry? I’m not sure how I’ll react. Mentally, I tell myself that after a person walks out of my life and scarcely sees me, he or she will be as good as gone. I have it in my mind that if I don’t see people for a long time, they are just somewhere continuing their lives and perhaps I will hear or read about them without actually seeing them. However to accept that when someone passes on and there will never be a chance to reach out to this person nor learn about the journey of their lives, it’s a depressing thought and everything about them becomes past tense.

That boy is so young. We talked about what he would like to do and full of “next times”. Very upsetting. I can only imagine his family and friends must be even more upset for his loss.
For now, this is all I have to blog.

My apologies, no corny jokes and moments to throw in now for obvious reasons.. hahaha

Good day, everyone! How are you doing in life? Year 2016 is ending pretty soon and as always, we’re so baffled at how fast time flies.
I hope you’ve accomplished the goals that were set at the beginning of the year and if not, don’t despair; continue to keep moving towards it.
Things are considerably well for me. Life seems to be continuously pulling my legs. (Laughs)
Anyway earlier today, I was going through some things from the past in my brother’s bedroom. It’s not nice to snoop but hay, he asked me to help keep something for him and I happened to find our old photo album and some books.
My brother may not look the part but he’s pretty sentimental and values his things from childhood. I admire that he is able to keep things for so long while I’m on the contrary.
Flipping through our family album dredges a lot of unpleasant memories. Too many however I’ll pick one to share. As the title of this post suggests, have you ever felt that you are at the mercy of others? It may not be the kind of situation whereby you are dying and pleading for help however it could be in the form of a person’s time, mood and influence.
When I was small, my mum, brother and myself felt that way with my father. It was his mood or charity that determined our day. And most of the time, it was always bad. My father had a flaring temper and he didn’t like us among the secret affairs he had. If he had liked us, he wouldn’t have any affairs in the place. But were we that despicable? I could never understand nor see his way.
So yes, whenever he said he was coming home, it always came with a promise of taking us out or doing some family stuffs and as a kid, of course you’d be delighted to see your father who scarcely comes home. At first I was a gullible child who waited at the door for his return right after he calls. Sometimes he returned very late till I fell asleep, other times not at all. And when he did come back, he was always in a bad mood and straight into a fight with mum.
This repeated and it became severe as time went by; it became a fear whenever he called to announce that he was coming home. Instead of waiting at the door for him eagerly, I became frightened wondering if he is in a bad mood again; what can we do to make him not angry, is he going to scold mum again? Is he going to hit mum again? Is he going to hit my brother? Is he going to leave us with no money or kick us out of the house? What can I do?
We could never tell what happened at work that put him in such a bad mood that we had to suffer from it. So as said, we were literally at the mercy of his mood. We could have a really bad day and at times, hurt from a physical fight.
This had happened a long time ago and he isn’t part of our lives for some time now. I should get over it but I still feel this way from other people. Sometimes and from some people, I sensed that they have this sort of intention to put themselves above others.
Since I learned about this perspective from young, I begun expanding it and taught myself to see it in other people while instilling in myself to prevent it from ever happening to me. The feeling of being gullible and hopeful, the eagerness to cling onto people’s words, the anticipation of promises to later be let downed just because they suddenly don’t feel like it or never had the intention in the first place. I moulded myself to be firm and never to succumbed to sweet words anymore. It sucks to feel helpless yet have to do everything in your ability to make a person want to be with you or keep to their promises. I guess people enjoy watching others put in effort for their attention. Perhaps because I have quite a pride, I usually choose to walk away (or spit first) before licking one’s shoe. (Laughs)
By far, what others have done is considered petty over what that man did. However, it still happens in many ways.
Bottom line is… There is a fine line to pleasing somebody and yourself just to be with that person. If that person really loves you, you wouldn’t have to be at his/her mercy so frequently. How would you know when to stop waiting on a person? Well if seeing that person no longer makes you happy as you were before, that’s the end of it.
Mmm… I wonder if my post here makes any sense and if I drifted from the topic.
Oh well. On a much merrier note, I was playing FF:XV and though sadly I’m not able to complete the game (over a rather lengthy reason), I’m pretty happy and hope to continue the game. It’s really nice and the fantasy world design is impressive. Read that a Malaysian led the project for the landscapes and places in the FF world. The story is a bit confusing for me however you might appreciate it more than me.
Another game that caught my interest in Until Dawn. Yes, sheep is slow but the whole butterfly effect is giving my mind a thought to toy with.
Perhaps you can look it up.

That’s all I have to blog for now. Stay cool and thanks for reading. ^^

Similar Fate

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers
20
Oct

Yo~oh!
I’m here to write about a dog I once, was eager to own.
I was 12 years old at that time and was really happy that I could adopt a dog from a shelter. On my first trip to the shelter, I rounded the place with my mum to pick out a dog and we found one that looked so amazing, as though a cross breed between a Collie and a Siberian Husky. It had long orange coat and ears like a fox.
After rounding, we decided to take home that dog however we had to wait for a month’s time for the shelter’s inspection and approval.
When the time came to collect the dog, I was disappointed because upon reaching the shelter, the people there told me that I could not have it and had to reselect another one. Their reason was that the dog is too fierce and cannot be tamed. I looked at the dog afar while bars were in between us. It seemed fine and I couldn’t understand. I was alone with my driver so I had no parental assistance. The people then showed me around and persuaded me that I could adopt another and immediately take it home.
So I walked around until a dog escaped from its cell and ran into me. Eventually, I chose this fella who then became Choco, my pet and aboveall, best friend.
Meeting people or anything is amazing. There is always something in a certain point of time that collides, creating memories and lessons for us all.
Meeting Choco by chance has a great story behind it. However I will not tell you this story yet.
Let’s go back to the ‘fox’ dog.
From time to time, I would reflect and pondered what if I had that dog instead of Choco, how different would things be? Of course after having Choco by my side, I had not desired to ever replace him as he was a great companion.
But recently, my perspective on this developed differently. I’m beginning to think that I share the same fate as the fox dog. In a sense that I will never be selected or taken by anyone because of the discouraging words by others. Just as the shelter people were discouraging me about adopting the dog because it was believed to be ‘wild’ and undomesticated, I sense that people must be believing and telling each other that I’m a difficult girl and to just stay away from me.
That struck out to me recently and it sank in my thoughts.
I now wonder how many people may have wanted to adopt that fox dog but was turned away by the shelter? Did the dog ever get adopted? Despite being discouraged, did someone finally stand up and say, “It’s allright, I still want that dog” and took it home.
Did it live its remaining life span in a shelter, waiting without knowing that it was denied because it was labelled as wild and not suitable as a pet?
… Am I sharing the same fate whereby I’m being denied a chance to be part of a relationship or circle?
… sobby..