Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

Winning in Life

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers

“Winning in Life”

Well contrary to the subject, I can’t say that I’m winning however after this post, I’m gonna instill into my mantra, believing that I am indeed winning — in some areas.

Before I can boldly declare so or begin my self-denial, I’m gonna spill my loser moments and get them out in order to adopt this winning mentality.

Today is the last day of 2017 and to sum up my side, life has been prettily fucked. Not with flowers and tutus but life was nice enough to make sure I had a piece of shit now and then.

As I gained some positive moments, I lost more and almost too quickly — similar to how you win with gambling at first and then losing a bigger chunk right after a victory. Short lived is the keyword.
I thought I found the right people but was quickly left alone with doubts as usual. Auwlithe passed away which caused the biggest disturbance in my life.

To be fair, this isn’t a horrible situation as compared to my younger days; specifically my teen years that were filled with unwanted adventures. Nevertheless, they make good stories and gave me the characteristic I am today.

With that in mind, I’m always grateful for the present over the past I had therefore looking forward in anticipation for the future.

Do you play visual novel games like Heart no Kuni no Alice or Hakuoki? Otherwise Until Dawn? The system of the games are story based and you are given options to choose answers and decisions which ultimately determines the progress and ending of a story. Different combination of answers could lead the story to different routes. I kind of view life in this way whereby choices will lead you here and there. It’s a common thought, of course.

And playing these games, I had the tendency to make wrong decisions which led to bad endings and I could only get good endings by referring to guides online.

Me being me, of course I made wrong decisions ergo I lost every opportunity presented to me. And in reality, there is no fucking walkthrough with spreadsheet of cheats and answers.

Thinking back, if only I had chose to stay in one place a little longer, I could have met somebody. If only I stopped and asked him, everything could have been different.

Regrets? Some yes, mostly no. Just worried that I will run out of turns and times to get things right.

Well, gotta be optimistic hereon. I don’t know how things are faring for you but hopefully you are winning at some aspect of your life. Or getting to it.

Oh well, 2018 is happening soon so cheers!

I only realized I’m all alone when I’m amidst a crowd of people that I fairly engage with. Compared to sitting in a room all by myself, I could never come to know I was alone as I didn’t know whether I was meant to be with anybody. So I accepted that it is natural for me to be alone.

However when seated with a group of people that I sort of talk to, loneliness kicks in the most reminding me, I am not close to anyone nor are we linked. It’s as though we’re just sharing a space, no strings attached.

I’ve been feeling this way since some months back and despite believing that I’ve gotten used to public interaction, I now feel so discouraged and withdrawn to the point of wanting to shut myself out from world.

Last Sunday, I went for a marathon held by my company and was on my own throughout the time. I didn’t have a person to look for or follow. I knew I was going to be on my own throughout the event furthermore running, so I made sure I have my earphones with me to keep my mind occupied.

While I was running, I realized that was exactly how my life is portrayed. I was fast and steady enough to keep myself ahead however I wasn’t strong enough to keep up with those who were far ahead of the rest.

I was in the mediocre pace of the run and there were scarcely anybody on the same pace as me. I contemplated to go faster to keep up with the leading runners or to slow down with those behind me. I looked over my shoulders to see the distance however to my dismay, there wasn’t anyone behind me. How much did I need to slow down to follow the back group? Will I even be comfortable to walk with them? Who are the people behind me? Who is in front of me?

I kept at the pace that my body allowed me, to eventually reach the finishing line alone.

Today, I sat in a table with people whom I worked with in the day but nothing else to speak of other than work. It was one of those social dinners I whined about previously and this time, I was simply fed up. Because the more you put me in a group, the more lonely I feel.

I don’t demand attention or much conversation. To be fair, I know how difficult I can be when it comes to interacting. I don’t initiate much because I lack the interest in people’s lives and gossips while refusing to share mine.

I guess this is a no brainer as why I’m such a melancholy and mundane dweeb. It’s so boring and dishearthening to come across an interesting person who is curious about you but later leaves you for others because you offer no fun let alone a worthwhile mystery. I watched so many lose interest in me and turn their backs on me, some blaming that I made it hard and too aloof for their taste.

And now I’m asking myself, what do I believe in so much to continue living my life this way? Do I want to throw everything I stand for to be with people who ought to easily and quickly dispose me? Do I want to be like everyone else because the world needs more of those kind? Or should I stay strong in my beliefs and persist walking on the invisible path that only I can see along with those who are meant to be in my life?

Iya, fuck this. Time to sleep and be a happy sheep. ( ̄▽ ̄)

Yo-oh! I know I shouldn’t be typing this while I’m at work, but there are too many things floating in my head now so in fear of losing them, I decided to dump them here.

I want to list out the many things that I aim to accomplish in my life, whether sooner or later. This is in a way, giving myself a direction and some moments to look forward to. I suggest you sit down and do the same; ask yourself what do you want to do in your life.

Here’s mine, in no particular order:

1. Sky diving
2. Walk on a bridge at some scary ass height — the type that makes you wanna shit bricks
3. Do a handstand
4. Do a back flip
5. Throw a 3 pointer shot
6. Write and deliver my own success speech in a formal event (speaking to a small group of friends does not count!)
7. One act of heroism (Bonus: Earning a bravery award)
8. Work 2 jobs for at least a month or more
9. Dance on top of a table
10. Form my dream team and keep them everlasting
11. To be able to say’ “I’m good at Mathematics.”
12. To be able to say, “I can dance.”
13. To be able to say, “I can sing… selected songs though.”
14. Get a lean and sexy abs
15. Make a guy cry because I’m so awesome
16. Sit on a roof top to watch the sky
17. Fall in love and be loved.

Things I’ve accomplished:
1. Long distance driving on my own. 4 ~ 5 hours plus which I had just achieved last week with my pinkie car. Woot!
2. Swimming (can’t look good while at it but it’s something…)
3. Travel overseas alone (Japan on my own, like 3 manly times!)

Ok, I better stop here and check on my work. More dumping to be done another time.

Ultimately, I want to live a meaningful life.

… What about you?

Following up to my last post, life is still filled with clusterfuck but no worries, things are getting better each time. I’m glad that my mind is powerful enough to counter negative thoughts and curve around situations.

Now I feel like ranting however in a non-specific story telling. Just gonna leave a list of advices for myself next time and for you, in case you are searching for wisdom to deal with the shit at your end.

Here goes:

The jealousy and insecurity over a guy who doesn’t seem to pay attention to you in the first place – You can either fight for his attention to notice you or wish the other puta(s) gets hit by a car or simply drop out of existence. Making ill wishes upon others is despicable and cancer for your brain cells so I won’t even tell you to indulge in such fantasies. As for doing your best to get his attention, it’s based on your discretion. If you know you have been overthinking and jumping to conclusions about him and that puta, go and make things clear. But if deep down in your heart you don’t feel he has interest in you, walk away. By right you should be turned off with him if he doesn’t show interest in you so why hang around? Set your heart free for the next guy.

The only time you are wrong is when you didn’t believe that you’re right – In conjunction with the above, there is a reason why the quote “Trust in your instinct” is overused. Because it’s fucking true. Unless you are a 10 year old kid, you won’t have enough experience to hone your instinct. But if you’re in your 20s, you should have been learning about the shit in life, enough for your gut feelings to sniff the dump from kilometers away.

The grass on the other side is greener than yours – You feel you’re not being good enough for anything while others have what you desire. This is a helpless feeling that occurs from time to time. Either you could not perform as good as the other or you have talent but people preferred the prettier face. It’s like the world is against you and despite your hardwork, the world favors someone whom you won’t deem as worthy. Well, it’s 2017. Why should you care if the grass is greener? You should have your own goals which usually no ones shares the same. You can have a green grass but I have a pink grass with sunflowers so screw your greenies.

Be glad to have brains instead of just a pretty face – Speaking of a pretty face, you should be happy that you have brains rather than being an eye candy because with the ability to think, you’ll be able to tell yourself that you need to go on a diet and how to dress up to look drop dead gorgeous. Basicallly, you can teach yourself how to look good so what is the fucking problem?

Friends – Friends who were not there in your bad days but are present to applaud you on your good days aren’t really your friends. Friends who were not there in your time of need and didn’t congratulate you for your success are also definitely not your allies.

I thought I would have plenty to rant but I can’t seem to think of anymore right now. You see, these were my shower thoughts and I had a string of ponders and conversation with myself hence decided to dump them here before they vanish.

I guess this is all for now. Until I remember or have more to ramble, take good care and lots of love!