Archive for the "Diary of Ashes" Category

I only realized I’m all alone when I’m amidst a crowd of people that I fairly engage with. Compared to sitting in a room all by myself, I could never come to know I was alone as I didn’t know whether I was meant to be with anybody. So I accepted that it is natural for me to be alone.

However when seated with a group of people that I sort of talk to, loneliness kicks in the most reminding me, I am not close to anyone nor are we linked. It’s as though we’re just sharing a space, no strings attached.

I’ve been feeling this way since some months back and despite believing that I’ve gotten used to public interaction, I now feel so discouraged and withdrawn to the point of wanting to shut myself out from world.

Last Sunday, I went for a marathon held by my company and was on my own throughout the time. I didn’t have a person to look for or follow. I knew I was going to be on my own throughout the event furthermore running, so I made sure I have my earphones with me to keep my mind occupied.

While I was running, I realized that was exactly how my life is portrayed. I was fast and steady enough to keep myself ahead however I wasn’t strong enough to keep up with those who were far ahead of the rest.

I was in the mediocre pace of the run and there were scarcely anybody on the same pace as me. I contemplated to go faster to keep up with the leading runners or to slow down with those behind me. I looked over my shoulders to see the distance however to my dismay, there wasn’t anyone behind me. How much did I need to slow down to follow the back group? Will I even be comfortable to walk with them? Who are the people behind me? Who is in front of me?

I kept at the pace that my body allowed me, to eventually reach the finishing line alone.

Today, I sat in a table with people whom I worked with in the day but nothing else to speak of other than work. It was one of those social dinners I whined about previously and this time, I was simply fed up. Because the more you put me in a group, the more lonely I feel.

I don’t demand attention or much conversation. To be fair, I know how difficult I can be when it comes to interacting. I don’t initiate much because I lack the interest in people’s lives and gossips while refusing to share mine.

I guess this is a no brainer as why I’m such a melancholy and mundane dweeb. It’s so boring and dishearthening to come across an interesting person who is curious about you but later leaves you for others because you offer no fun let alone a worthwhile mystery. I watched so many lose interest in me and turn their backs on me, some blaming that I made it hard and too aloof for their taste.

And now I’m asking myself, what do I believe in so much to continue living my life this way? Do I want to throw everything I stand for to be with people who ought to easily and quickly dispose me? Do I want to be like everyone else because the world needs more of those kind? Or should I stay strong in my beliefs and persist walking on the invisible path that only I can see along with those who are meant to be in my life?

Iya, fuck this. Time to sleep and be a happy sheep. ( ̄▽ ̄)

Yo-oh! I know I shouldn’t be typing this while I’m at work, but there are too many things floating in my head now so in fear of losing them, I decided to dump them here.

I want to list out the many things that I aim to accomplish in my life, whether sooner or later. This is in a way, giving myself a direction and some moments to look forward to. I suggest you sit down and do the same; ask yourself what do you want to do in your life.

Here’s mine, in no particular order:

1. Sky diving
2. Walk on a bridge at some scary ass height — the type that makes you wanna shit bricks
3. Do a handstand
4. Do a back flip
5. Throw a 3 pointer shot
6. Write and deliver my own success speech in a formal event (speaking to a small group of friends does not count!)
7. One act of heroism (Bonus: Earning a bravery award)
8. Work 2 jobs for at least a month or more
9. Dance on top of a table
10. Form my dream team and keep them everlasting
11. To be able to say’ “I’m good at Mathematics.”
12. To be able to say, “I can dance.”
13. To be able to say, “I can sing… selected songs though.”
14. Get a lean and sexy abs
15. Make a guy cry because I’m so awesome
16. Sit on a roof top to watch the sky
17. Fall in love and be loved.

Things I’ve accomplished:
1. Long distance driving on my own. 4 ~ 5 hours plus which I had just achieved last week with my pinkie car. Woot!
2. Swimming (can’t look good while at it but it’s something…)
3. Travel overseas alone (Japan on my own, like 3 manly times!)

Ok, I better stop here and check on my work. More dumping to be done another time.

Ultimately, I want to live a meaningful life.

… What about you?

Following up to my last post, life is still filled with clusterfuck but no worries, things are getting better each time. I’m glad that my mind is powerful enough to counter negative thoughts and curve around situations.

Now I feel like ranting however in a non-specific story telling. Just gonna leave a list of advices for myself next time and for you, in case you are searching for wisdom to deal with the shit at your end.

Here goes:

The jealousy and insecurity over a guy who doesn’t seem to pay attention to you in the first place – You can either fight for his attention to notice you or wish the other puta(s) gets hit by a car or simply drop out of existence. Making ill wishes upon others is despicable and cancer for your brain cells so I won’t even tell you to indulge in such fantasies. As for doing your best to get his attention, it’s based on your discretion. If you know you have been overthinking and jumping to conclusions about him and that puta, go and make things clear. But if deep down in your heart you don’t feel he has interest in you, walk away. By right you should be turned off with him if he doesn’t show interest in you so why hang around? Set your heart free for the next guy.

The only time you are wrong is when you didn’t believe that you’re right – In conjunction with the above, there is a reason why the quote “Trust in your instinct” is overused. Because it’s fucking true. Unless you are a 10 year old kid, you won’t have enough experience to hone your instinct. But if you’re in your 20s, you should have been learning about the shit in life, enough for your gut feelings to sniff the dump from kilometers away.

The grass on the other side is greener than yours – You feel you’re not being good enough for anything while others have what you desire. This is a helpless feeling that occurs from time to time. Either you could not perform as good as the other or you have talent but people preferred the prettier face. It’s like the world is against you and despite your hardwork, the world favors someone whom you won’t deem as worthy. Well, it’s 2017. Why should you care if the grass is greener? You should have your own goals which usually no ones shares the same. You can have a green grass but I have a pink grass with sunflowers so screw your greenies.

Be glad to have brains instead of just a pretty face – Speaking of a pretty face, you should be happy that you have brains rather than being an eye candy because with the ability to think, you’ll be able to tell yourself that you need to go on a diet and how to dress up to look drop dead gorgeous. Basicallly, you can teach yourself how to look good so what is the fucking problem?

Friends – Friends who were not there in your bad days but are present to applaud you on your good days aren’t really your friends. Friends who were not there in your time of need and didn’t congratulate you for your success are also definitely not your allies.

I thought I would have plenty to rant but I can’t seem to think of anymore right now. You see, these were my shower thoughts and I had a string of ponders and conversation with myself hence decided to dump them here before they vanish.

I guess this is all for now. Until I remember or have more to ramble, take good care and lots of love!

Good day, everyone! I’ve just celebrated my 29th birthday yesterday. It was a small celebration filled with laughters and smiles. Nothing much to comment on my birthday other than life is probably annoyed that I’m still alive and hustling.

The sad thing is I can’t say the same for Auwlithe. My baby, alas, passed away last month on the 12th. It was a huge blow for me and I was really depressed, even until today, I cannot live with the fact that my four-legged buddy is no longer by my side.

On his final day, before putting him to sleep, for once in months, he could finally smile.

The night before was the hardest for me as I had to tell him what I was going to do to him. He seemed to understand and that made me tear up all night till the next day. I carried the semi-paralyzed dog in my arms and showed him around the house and his usual spots. We listened to some songs together, just like we always did while I annoyed him with some dumb jokes and teased him.

Just typing a few words about this is already building up tears in my eyes. I really miss him and felt bad that I had to put him to sleep rather than allowing him to live up to every beat of his heart. I was torn between ending his misery and to let him live in that state as long as he could.

He was crying for days. It pained me to helplessly console him when I couldn’t aid him. I felt weak and useless. I still think to myself, perhaps I didn’t try enough. I for one, who always believed there is always a way, could not do anything after all.

With the absence of Auwlithe, I feel I have no reason to come home so I stay out on my own a little longer, wandering and straying with the company of only my thoughts.

Other than still mourning over the lost of Auwlithe, well to be fair, there are pleasant days every now and then. Some days of watching people as though they are pets having fun with one another, interesting ideas for the mind to toy with and so on.

Unrequited feelings, shallowness, detachments, self-loath… It’s like a whole clusterfuck going on. On some days, I stay as cocky as my pride and on other days, I feel ugly about myself and doubt the compliments of others. On my own, I can feel a bit beautiful at times but I get dubious when a few people compliment my looks and capabilities. As I’m usually right, motives follow after compliments and that leads me to believe people are dishonest. It’s funny if only one or two says you’re pretty while others are silent about it.

Anyway, enough with the negative and dark thoughts. I do have some rather positive news coming my way. Today, I was given a glimpse of my next stepping stone to improve my current state of living. This is something that may only materialize next month therefore, in order not to jinx up, I shall stay silent and focus on making this happen.

Hahaha, make it or break it! >:D