Archive for September 26th, 2017

I only realized I’m all alone when I’m amidst a crowd of people that I fairly engage with. Compared to sitting in a room all by myself, I could never come to know I was alone as I didn’t know whether I was meant to be with anybody. So I accepted that it is natural for me to be alone.

However when seated with a group of people that I sort of talk to, loneliness kicks in the most reminding me, I am not close to anyone nor are we linked. It’s as though we’re just sharing a space, no strings attached.

I’ve been feeling this way since some months back and despite believing that I’ve gotten used to public interaction, I now feel so discouraged and withdrawn to the point of wanting to shut myself out from world.

Last Sunday, I went for a marathon held by my company and was on my own throughout the time. I didn’t have a person to look for or follow. I knew I was going to be on my own throughout the event furthermore running, so I made sure I have my earphones with me to keep my mind occupied.

While I was running, I realized that was exactly how my life is portrayed. I was fast and steady enough to keep myself ahead however I wasn’t strong enough to keep up with those who were far ahead of the rest.

I was in the mediocre pace of the run and there were scarcely anybody on the same pace as me. I contemplated to go faster to keep up with the leading runners or to slow down with those behind me. I looked over my shoulders to see the distance however to my dismay, there wasn’t anyone behind me. How much did I need to slow down to follow the back group? Will I even be comfortable to walk with them? Who are the people behind me? Who is in front of me?

I kept at the pace that my body allowed me, to eventually reach the finishing line alone.

Today, I sat in a table with people whom I worked with in the day but nothing else to speak of other than work. It was one of those social dinners I whined about previously and this time, I was simply fed up. Because the more you put me in a group, the more lonely I feel.

I don’t demand attention or much conversation. To be fair, I know how difficult I can be when it comes to interacting. I don’t initiate much because I lack the interest in people’s lives and gossips while refusing to share mine.

I guess this is a no brainer as why I’m such a melancholy and mundane dweeb. It’s so boring and dishearthening to come across an interesting person who is curious about you but later leaves you for others because you offer no fun let alone a worthwhile mystery. I watched so many lose interest in me and turn their backs on me, some blaming that I made it hard and too aloof for their taste.

And now I’m asking myself, what do I believe in so much to continue living my life this way? Do I want to throw everything I stand for to be with people who ought to easily and quickly dispose me? Do I want to be like everyone else because the world needs more of those kind? Or should I stay strong in my beliefs and persist walking on the invisible path that only I can see along with those who are meant to be in my life?

Iya, fuck this. Time to sleep and be a happy sheep. ( ̄▽ ̄)