Archive for February, 2017

Hello!

Am I blogging more frequently off late? Do you prefer my absence over my presence here? Haha, too bad. I do whatever I want.

Well my throat is recovering. As of the previous post, I had since been coughing and deprived of my voice which lasted more than 2 weeks! It was a great inconvenience for me as I could not speak especially while working with people.

At first I cursed having fallen sick to this point however it was a blessing in disguise. I had learned to observe silently on many things. Also I could not immediately retort verbally during certain situations but I guess it was for the better.

Anyway, I was just recalling my anti-social days when I scarcely spoken to anybody. My temporary muteness reminded me of my quiet days back then. After graduating high school, I pretty much fell off the grid and hid in my house. I did communicate with very few people but it was kept at minimum and at a distance. I only had Twitter and my blog during those times.

Repeatedly, I would say my blog had been my bridge to communication, a place I expressed myself to nobody in particular. There were friendly bypassers whom I befriended online and are still in touch via other social media. I thank those people for finding me through this blog. It’s like you’ve been with me through my most lonely days.

Anyway, as the subject is titled.. Now that I think about it, I lived like a ghost for almost 5 years. This was before I started working in the school. I was literally a recluse with no actual job and my days were spent on reading, drawing, gaming and self studying. The only physical social I’ve gotten was with my family and Auwlithe. I even refrained from my neighbors and I visited my friends in KL like, twice a year.

Sometimes when conversing with people about the past, we normally hear campus stories and previous job employment stories. I don’t have much to offer.
But seriously, for 5 years. Wow. I was a hidden useless bum. (Laughs)

During that time, I was bend on keeping away from people and looking for jobs that supported my hindrance for people. I did a few things in silence however it wasn’t enough for a breakthrough in life.

Does my perception change after meeting and mingling with people? On a truthful note, no. I find that whatever I had speculated were true. I won’t emphasize my findings and will save for another post. However all in all, I learned to adapt to people yet remain my principles and pride. I won’t say I have very good principles and honor for anyone to follow but I know it’s something I choose to follow and will go through with it till the end.

It’s been 7 years since then and been out in the public. You know, Auwlithe was my biggest support then as he was my only reason to wake up to this lonesome world. Currently he is getting old and senile; losing his energy and appetite. He is so frail and can barely walk. I dreaded thinking that soon I’ll be dedicating a post about his departure.

Anyway, time’s up. This is all I feel like blogging about. Ambiguity as usual? Well it’s an honest post and at times, confusion happens.

Hahaha, toodles. :)

Good afternoon, homosapiens!

I’m here to give this blog a little bit of life! Haha. Well right now I’m completely deprived of my own voice as I have an incredibly bad cough and a very sore throat. Literally, no voice for the first time in my living years. I can only whisper and I assure you, it’s not those seductive sort of whispers that enchants one to the bedroom but instead, I think I sound like a granny who removed her dentures for the night. (Laughs)

Anyway, I’m about to blog to you my lil story here on something that had happened last year. You see, I’ve mentioned that love has never happened to me for all this time, which is so true. However, there were attempts that just did not succeed.

I won’t go in depth in telling how it all begun but I’ll tell you the end of it; as the start had long been forgotten. There was a colleague whom I did care for however there were many undeniable signs that showed me how unrealistic it will turn out to be. It was the kind of friendship that started out from hatred to caring; from slamming doors to my face to holding doors for me.

I could tell he was interested and involved with another girl despite his lack of admittance to it. And that led me to discontinue any attempts to get any closer. However I had always opted for running away instead of confronting so this time, I wondered how it would be like to admit my side for a change rather than just walking away.

So I did it, I told him my feelings on three different occasions. Each time getting clearer but to no response. Even an upfront rejection would have satisfied me. I had let go bit by bit of feelings and became realistic each time however I came to a thought that maybe this guy doesn’t want to tell me off because he wants to fool around.

I was and never will be obnoxious enough to think anyone would choose me over other girls. There was a moment of weakness whereby I contemplated that just because I couldn’t get what I want, does it mean I cannot continue doing nice things for that person? Do I only care in hopes of getting something in return?

Sooner, things became more apparent and I was right to have told him what I had to and walked away because a couple of weeks later, I found out my suspicions were all along on spot. The main give away was that the girl made a spiteful remark about me when I walked by her. Of course, girls cannot contain their victory. The fact that he did not want to tell me was a major put off because it was like he intended to lead me on. How else did he want me to find out? Awesome thing is, I had always been a sharp and smart motherfucker. (Laughs)

Ever since then, despite that we still work in the same building, we do not speak nor have any contact with one another. Now some would ask whether it was hard to live like this. Well, initially I thought it would be hard. But if the person doesn’t attempt to fix or recover you, seriously it means nothing to you. Though arguably it was a shallow feeling for one another hence the easier detachment.

I’m not blogging about this to dwell in it. I’m very much over it. He is more dead to me than my friend who recently passed away. I’m blogging this for myself to read back my memories and pick up my strength in times of weakness.

If you were to ask what did I like about him, perhaps if you had asked earlier I could have answered. But now there is really no form of fondness to recall from that person. And if anyone asks me about this, I would admit that I did have feelings for him despite how mismatch people would comment. I’m not ashamed for I was sincere at that time. I guess, my bravery and courage to speak the truth scares people.

Anyway, the above ended early last year and since then, I picked myself up and continued to my direction. For someone who doesn’t project emotions of love for people, I’m not afraid to embrace it for the man who will deeply love me. I don’t understand why people are playing this “I don’t care” and mysterious game. Passion is always tons more attractive over a person who doesn’t care about anything. Perhaps they had a rough life and couldn’t bring back that flame and lust for life then again, I had an ordeal myself and could have been many indecent things.

It’s all about the choices we make, right?

You know, I’m starting to notice somebody but pretty soon I’m going to end it the same way because I sensed that there is no reliability and security. I don’t want to be that stupid animal again to keep following to my depression. (Laughs) I’ll save this piece of chapter for another time.

For now, I’ve spouted enough and I’m in the mood to watch some Markiplier videos. (Laughs) Come on, it’s a beautiful Sunday! Gotta bask and enjoy a good relaxing day rather than harboring insecurities and doubts.

!!rolls on bed!!