Hello!
I’m here to annoy you with my thoughts on something very recent.
Yesterday, my colleague told me that he dreamed both of us were dating. It was hilarious coming from a married man. He said it was really strange as he was recently dreaming about our colleagues and of course, me being part of the dream was seriously odd.
Well please don’t get the idea that I’m an affair of a married man. It’s really nothing and please don’t tell his wife or she will beat him up for cheating on her in his dreams.
Anyway, while telling this funny dream, our conversation then shifted to advising me on my love life crisis.
As everyone seems to know, I’m in a hopeless state of finding a guy to even start a friendship with.
Am I that bad and useless as a female? I wouldn’t know despite being the main subject here. In any case, my colleague was consulting me about my wellbeing and all.
Apparently I give out mixed signals so guys don’t know if I’m interested or not. Apparently I have an ego and very high expectations in people. It’s been some time since I had a guy in mind to care for because the previous one was not very sincere and I decided to cut off our ties – whatever you call that, consider it done and dusted.
I was telling my colleague that I can’t seem to pursue people as passionately and firmly as I go for things. When it comes to winning a competition (of my interest) or to get things and position.. As long as it is not human, I have the drive to pursue. Simply because things and objects cannot betray me; it’s all up to my perspective.
However people are different. They change, they lie, they hide — you can do anything and everything for them but at the end of the day, if they don’t like you, it never matters what you do.
People are easily swayed and influenced. A slight rumor or lies and you’re out. This leads me to refrain from investing emotions and affections for people. My colleague was dishearten to learn that I think this way and he could only tell me that I’m far away from understanding people to which I don’t deny.
The following day, my mother also lectured me about when am I ever going to start dating.
Pretty annoying and it would have worsen should I explain myself.
That’s why I’m here to express myself. (Laughs)
I know there are people who are curious and concerned about me. I guess I give out a feeling that I may have surrendered my life totally.
I’m not bend on living as a single for most parts of my life. At the same time, I am preparing to be as independent as I can be in case I’m really unwanted.
I don’t like to always go out by myself; dinner, movies or sightseeing alone. It’s depressing. But I still go ahead because — sitting alone and waiting for someone to find me in my cave is not going to happen. I think I hid myself from the world long enough to know this isn’t going to amount to anything. So I decided if nobody can take me out, I can still go out and find other happiness, although sadly I’m alone to witness all this.
What I do now is try to keep myself occupied with activities, whether it involves people or on my own. It helps as a distraction and discover new things along with skills. Unfortunately, I don’t have a strong lust for life and things are getting dull and mundane. Usually I would pick a few people to observe and humor myself in trying to understand characteristics but even that is getting boring.
Sigh…
When I was a little girl, I think I was ‘told’ that I won’t live pass 30.
So I’m going to try and have as much fun as I can get. There will be days when I do wrong and cry, or tempers flaring.. Or reasonless smiles.
There’s still time. ( ̄▽ ̄)

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 1st, 2016 at 10:22 pm and is filed under Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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