Archive for October, 2016

Similar Fate

Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers

I’m here to write about a dog I once, was eager to own.
I was 12 years old at that time and was really happy that I could adopt a dog from a shelter. On my first trip to the shelter, I rounded the place with my mum to pick out a dog and we found one that looked so amazing, as though a cross breed between a Collie and a Siberian Husky. It had long orange coat and ears like a fox.
After rounding, we decided to take home that dog however we had to wait for a month’s time for the shelter’s inspection and approval.
When the time came to collect the dog, I was disappointed because upon reaching the shelter, the people there told me that I could not have it and had to reselect another one. Their reason was that the dog is too fierce and cannot be tamed. I looked at the dog afar while bars were in between us. It seemed fine and I couldn’t understand. I was alone with my driver so I had no parental assistance. The people then showed me around and persuaded me that I could adopt another and immediately take it home.
So I walked around until a dog escaped from its cell and ran into me. Eventually, I chose this fella who then became Choco, my pet and aboveall, best friend.
Meeting people or anything is amazing. There is always something in a certain point of time that collides, creating memories and lessons for us all.
Meeting Choco by chance has a great story behind it. However I will not tell you this story yet.
Let’s go back to the ‘fox’ dog.
From time to time, I would reflect and pondered what if I had that dog instead of Choco, how different would things be? Of course after having Choco by my side, I had not desired to ever replace him as he was a great companion.
But recently, my perspective on this developed differently. I’m beginning to think that I share the same fate as the fox dog. In a sense that I will never be selected or taken by anyone because of the discouraging words by others. Just as the shelter people were discouraging me about adopting the dog because it was believed to be ‘wild’ and undomesticated, I sense that people must be believing and telling each other that I’m a difficult girl and to just stay away from me.
That struck out to me recently and it sank in my thoughts.
I now wonder how many people may have wanted to adopt that fox dog but was turned away by the shelter? Did the dog ever get adopted? Despite being discouraged, did someone finally stand up and say, “It’s allright, I still want that dog” and took it home.
Did it live its remaining life span in a shelter, waiting without knowing that it was denied because it was labelled as wild and not suitable as a pet?
… Am I sharing the same fate whereby I’m being denied a chance to be part of a relationship or circle?
… sobby..

I’m here to annoy you with my thoughts on something very recent.
Yesterday, my colleague told me that he dreamed both of us were dating. It was hilarious coming from a married man. He said it was really strange as he was recently dreaming about our colleagues and of course, me being part of the dream was seriously odd.
Well please don’t get the idea that I’m an affair of a married man. It’s really nothing and please don’t tell his wife or she will beat him up for cheating on her in his dreams.
Anyway, while telling this funny dream, our conversation then shifted to advising me on my love life crisis.
As everyone seems to know, I’m in a hopeless state of finding a guy to even start a friendship with.
Am I that bad and useless as a female? I wouldn’t know despite being the main subject here. In any case, my colleague was consulting me about my wellbeing and all.
Apparently I give out mixed signals so guys don’t know if I’m interested or not. Apparently I have an ego and very high expectations in people. It’s been some time since I had a guy in mind to care for because the previous one was not very sincere and I decided to cut off our ties – whatever you call that, consider it done and dusted.
I was telling my colleague that I can’t seem to pursue people as passionately and firmly as I go for things. When it comes to winning a competition (of my interest) or to get things and position.. As long as it is not human, I have the drive to pursue. Simply because things and objects cannot betray me; it’s all up to my perspective.
However people are different. They change, they lie, they hide — you can do anything and everything for them but at the end of the day, if they don’t like you, it never matters what you do.
People are easily swayed and influenced. A slight rumor or lies and you’re out. This leads me to refrain from investing emotions and affections for people. My colleague was dishearten to learn that I think this way and he could only tell me that I’m far away from understanding people to which I don’t deny.
The following day, my mother also lectured me about when am I ever going to start dating.
Pretty annoying and it would have worsen should I explain myself.
That’s why I’m here to express myself. (Laughs)
I know there are people who are curious and concerned about me. I guess I give out a feeling that I may have surrendered my life totally.
I’m not bend on living as a single for most parts of my life. At the same time, I am preparing to be as independent as I can be in case I’m really unwanted.
I don’t like to always go out by myself; dinner, movies or sightseeing alone. It’s depressing. But I still go ahead because — sitting alone and waiting for someone to find me in my cave is not going to happen. I think I hid myself from the world long enough to know this isn’t going to amount to anything. So I decided if nobody can take me out, I can still go out and find other happiness, although sadly I’m alone to witness all this.
What I do now is try to keep myself occupied with activities, whether it involves people or on my own. It helps as a distraction and discover new things along with skills. Unfortunately, I don’t have a strong lust for life and things are getting dull and mundane. Usually I would pick a few people to observe and humor myself in trying to understand characteristics but even that is getting boring.
When I was a little girl, I think I was ‘told’ that I won’t live pass 30.
So I’m going to try and have as much fun as I can get. There will be days when I do wrong and cry, or tempers flaring.. Or reasonless smiles.
There’s still time. ( ̄▽ ̄)