Archive for August, 2016


Posted by: Ms Ayain Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers


What could have happened that brought me here to blog on this lovely morning?

Well it’s 9.24am, a pretty normal time for people to rise and shine. Although nowadays on off days, people prefer to sleep in a little late.

Anyway I thought I woke up early enough to beat some guys to the basketball court however to my disappointment, they are already there.

Sigh. I don’t play intense basketball. I like the sport however I don’t play enough and I’m quite shy to play with people. So shooting hoops has always been fulfilling enough for me since my teen years. And from that time, I have this unspoken competition going on with the neighbor boys as they seem to monopolize the court from dusk till dawn.

They definitely love basketball more than I do otherwise why would they spend so much time playing and honing their skills. How admirable. I wish I have that sort of drive and passion too.

I have not been shooting hoops for a very long time now. So why the sudden urge? Well, I’m in need of distractions and movements now. Staying idle and giving myself too much time to think has always been the most harmful moment for me as it leads me to manifest thoughts that will influence my behavior. It’s like I’m given time to realize certain things and certain people, often allowing me to calculate and later trust lesser and lesser.

If I could think so much, why can’t I think of a way to cure cancer or more beneficial deeds?

Haha.. Alright then. Time to move away from the keyboard.

Looks like I’ll have to try getting to the court at 7.00am the next time.


I’m still alive! For those wishing me to die just because they are so envious of my shine — not today, not ever! (Laughs)

Life is being funny and comical with me. Sometimes I think I should have a comic about myself. However there isn’t much conclusion to what is happening thusfar, let’s put that on hold.

A couple of months back, I was talking to one of my colleagues about men. I asked him how is it that men can go on multiple dates with different women without a sense of commitment. On my own, when I’m interested in a guy, I can’t think or even allow myself to go out or be too friendly with other guys.

He said it’s normal for men to fish that way. They go out to try a few people and see which woman responses more.

This is something I fail to grasp.
Today, I asked another guy about this. To be fair, I won’t proclaim this as a “men’s” trait as I believe an army of women are also playing this sort of games.

This guy gave me the same response, saying it makes one feel good about themselves.

Well, I wonder if I should learn to play that game because as I am right now, nothing is fruitful nor does it seem like a redeeming quality.
You know, I’ll pick one story from my youthful days to share with you. There was a time I had a major crush on this senior whom of course, never shared mutual feelings for me. It was extremely one sided and I knew it better.
Despite so, I enjoyed just having small talks or to watch him afar. I did have a fair chance to improve things however I never quite took it. Such as a chance to go to his class to discuss things and pass messages from the teachers.
Anyway after I left, I later learned a lot of things I’ve missed out while I was in daze for this guy. While I was trying so hard to get his attention or to follow him around, I had actually made friends along the way. I was surrounded by other seniors whom the girls my age were head over heels for them and yet I did not feel it when they were in front of me, trying to get to know me. I remembered peering over them to look out for the other guy. (Laughs)

As to why I don’t fight for him, well I get easily discouraged. I never have it in me that I could win a person over. I get easily insecure and jealous. Then instead of confronting, I convince myself that I’m not wanted and it’s better to walk away and let people be happy. I’ve never recovered from this mentality and it seems like it will persist till my death.

I have been this kind of idiot even until now. I don’t know if this is called loyalty or narrow minded. Can it be called a noble deed?
Well, currently I have no one in mind and this makes it so much worse because I feel so scattered and aimless. At least when I had a person in mind, I could channel every effort into becoming good person. Although I’m told to do things for myself, I’ll admit that I don’t really think much about what I really want despite how arrogant and obnoxious I carry myself to be.

Sigh, when I develop feelings for somebody, it becomes depressing. When I’m all alone, it’s just as depressing.

Oh well… This is my life and its cycle. There’s really nothing envious about me. (Laughs)