Despite that I am a fully grown adult, there are many things I fail to realize as what an adult is capable of. I am fully aware of what other people are capable of however I seem not to understand that I too can perform the same acts.

As of last year, I started to join my company’s dinner on almost a monthly basis. It is usually dining in a Chinese restaurant or sometimes a casual celebration. Until now, I am still not accustomed to eating with a crowd of people. It’s pretty funny because whenever we are eating a Chinese course — those kind of round tables where we spin the dishes around for everyone to take, I can’t grasps the table manners.

Usually the person beside me will help to serve the food or even scoop the fish for me (Laughs). I must be an annoying person, right? I will not take food for myself because I worry I might spill and cause trouble along with raising questions as to why I can’t seem to help myself properly with the food. When my colleagues asked, I would jokingly say I’m pampered and spoiled. When in fact, I refrained from telling them that I actually scarcely ever eat with people.

You see, this is a normal way of dining in a Chinese family or any families. It is natural to eat together and share food with one another. However I didn’t really get to grow up like that. I remember as a child, mum was always so busy with work and father never came home. So it was just me and my brother. While my mother does take the effort to prepare food for us to heat up and eat later, we ended up eating on our own separately. And it was those type of food that is all served in one (porridge, noodles, fried rice…). We did have a maid taking care of us later on however we hardly sat on the table together.

Dining in a restaurant was hard to come by. We didn’t live with that privilege and when we do dine out, it was hawker or some fast food place. I remember there were times my father brought us along for his company dinners and it was one of those with lots of people and cuisines being served. But we never could stay to really experience the formal dining as my father always hurried us out. He had the tendency to pack food from his company dinner for us to feed ourselves at home.

In my teen years, I isolated myself even more.

I realized that I was not accustomed to dining with a crowd of people some time last year. It was when I sat with one of my colleagues and fish was served. I didn’t know how to take the fish so I passed. My colleague noticed and asked if I wanted it. I didn’t know how to answer. Because eating fish wasn’t exactly something I ate a lot as a whole. So he helped me out along with other ‘difficult’ dishes. He and the others kept telling me not to be shy and it seemed like they were all pampering me like a spoiled girl who needs to be served. I kept still and then started asking myself how come I behave like I’ve never eaten before. This was such a simple and ordinary day to day thing.

Anyway thinking about this has made me realized further about many other things. As I have started with, I never fully realized that I’m a grown adult now with independence and empowerment of my own. Take my tattoos for an example. It was something I wanted to do since high school but didn’t do it immediately after I got out from school. It was later in my 20s that occurred to me that I was no longer in school and was not bounded by anything.

Even though I started driving for a long time now, I’m still constrained in a thought that I cannot simply go anywhere and so on. I’m of age to date and drink. I have money compared to before and I could actually get the things I’ve always wanted.

In spite of all these newly profound privileges, I’m glad that I do not abuse it — especially my family’s wealth which my brother worked so hard on. You know, I sense that there are people who think I’m a rich spoiled brat who spends her money away on clothes and cool things. They probably think I don’t deserve a good life and they most likely believe as someone richer than others, I should be more charitable and humble.

Well.. I don’t reveal to them about what I have gone through with my family and I don’t need them to know I had it rough just to get their approval for the way I live my life now. I must say though… I don’t like poor people.

Strange, isn’t it? Coming from someone who has been at the bottom?

You see.. As someone who was poor.. You get to see the true colors of the people around you. Of course, we were baffled by well to do people and frowned upon. However, I was not affected by the taunts of the richer kids but in fact, I was pulled down by those who were as poor as me. To put it simply, I have seen how ugly a poor person can be and there are reasons as to why certain people remain poor.

A lot say that poor people make up with bigger and kinder hearts than the richer people however it does not necessarily apply. Some poor people tend to adopt the victimized mentality, believing that everyone got things their way out of luck and not deserving of blessings. They are blind to the struggles of other people who managed to overcome and achieve success. They think that just because they are at the disadvantage, they cannot do anything and should be pitied and assisted by the capable ones at the same time they want the benefit and chance to feel superior over others.

How do I put it?

Sigh.. I wish I didn’t see through so much about people. Now I’m going to sleep with ugly thoughts. (T_T)

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 24th, 2016 at 11:03 pm and is filed under Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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