Good evening, everyone!

I didn’t expect to have some free time in this evening to blog here. There was supposed to be a long meeting today that leads to dinner however it has been cancelled last minute and to be held on another day.

Usually I would prefer to head home however I have been staying out until late at night, dining alone somewhere, reading books or writing in my diary. You can say I’m kind of disturbed and down. This is definitely not new to you and it seems I only blog when I’m upset. Sigh… I miss writing happy and dandy posts, you know.

For a start, there are a few farewells at my workplace and I felt kind of attached to a few people so it does hurt a bit to watch them go. There are a few other farewells of different forms such as feelings, friends and a part of myself.

I want to share with you something on courage. I don’t know if I can pass myself as someone who has courage. I think I do — only to an extend. Since young, a lot of my friends and adults complimented me saying I was always so brave and daring.
One example was the time I reached 10 years old. There was going to be a singing competition and the teacher asked for any students to participate. She tried to pluck some students however they were so shy and scared. All the students shook their heads and avoided eye contact with our English teacher. She was slightly puzzled and then somehow asked me to give it a try.

I could not sing and never had the interest. However I didn’t know I could refuse or object it so I just got up, walked to the front of the class and sang As Long As You Love Me by The Backstreet Boys. My English teacher immediately said I will do and should go for the competition just because no one had the courage to try. Some of my classmates pointed out to me that I was stuttering and shaking as I was singing. It wasn’t even impressive. A young idiot I was, I just nodded and said Yes, I was scared.

During the day of the competition, I went on stage and waited for the music to play. However the idiot DJ used my tape for other students but did not play for my turn. Most of the singers were singing the same song as me. I was upset that my tape was used for others and not for me. I stood on the stage looking dumb and waiting for the music to later gotten fed up and went ahead to sing and get it over with.

I did not win, could not see any victory there. I knew I could not sing and was not expecting anything. Some of my friends comforted me saying I was brave to try. A few laughed thinking how pathetic I was. I ignored and took pride that I was brave to try it.

In a couple of years then, we had a final ceremony for the standard 6 students and I was actually kicked out from my own class performance as I thought they were not serious in the practice and found their dance to be lame. I offended my class teacher with my remarks hence exiled. (Laughs) So I joined another class.

Funny thing was, on the day of the performance, the class realized that their dance was going nowhere and decided to sing a song instead. They had appointed one of the girls to be the main singer however suddenly she got sore throat and so on. There was nobody who wanted or brave enough to give it a try.

They all sought out for me. I could not sing jack shit but it would be embarrassing for our class not to perform at all. So I did it. I went up on stage not knowing shit and sang Britney’s Oops I did it again (how appropriate this applies here).

Best part was, my beloved crush, who set the mic on stage, actually switched off my mic so my voice was never heard at all throughout the performance!!

I only realized it towards the ending but I was like screw it, I could not turn back. After the performance, I was immediately bombarded with teases. A lot thought I sounded like Britney but later laughed when they realized I was lip singing and dancing for nothing.

I found the whole thing to be comical in spite of getting ridiculed. There were those who didn’t like me and thought how dare a talentless girl dare to go up and sing.

It was later as I grew up, I came to learn that courage and bravery is an act of moving forward. Your hands may shake and sweat but that should not stop you from moving forward and doing things that you want to do. That is what courage is all about. Lots of people misunderstand that bravery and courage means you pursue without a single fear and must act like a machine. I get scared to the point my hands shake and my words stutter but despite looking so pathetically weak, I went ahead and without any regrets.

I remember arguing with somebody about a person with skills and a person with courage. He pointed out it is useless for somebody with no skills to take part in a competition. My argument was as long as you are brave to keep trying, you can develop skills. What is the point of somebody who has skills but too afraid to partake a competition? That is as good as not having any skills.

I wonder if anyone remembered the events above however it is truly memorable for me as those were my memory markers of what led me to be me today and from time to time, I reflect on what has happened as a reminder of what I have learned and acquired in life.

It was hilarious yet meaningful to me.

I’m glad to remember such things took place in my life. It brings back strength and dreams.

…. I feel much better after recalling this. I guess this can be considered a positive post after all. (Laughs)

This entry was posted on Friday, April 15th, 2016 at 8:18 pm and is filed under Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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