Dear children of Eve,

This is Ms Aya who is in a cafe right now, about to blog… More like rant on her emotions. Well I was really hoping that I could blog about something happy and definitely more positive compared to my previous entries. If anyone has been reading my blog without actually meeting me in person, I’d be assumed as a pathetic, miserable and suicidal sheep! That’s half true but even so — do you know how much of trouble and damage it will cause to my existence!?

Anyway, lately I’ve been recalling this particular sentence. Some guy once wrote to me saying, “You will never truly be happy if you keep going on like this.” I can’t remember if this was his exact words but it was referring to how unhappy I will always be if I keep being the way I have been.

This came from a guy whom I fought and argued on a daily basis yet end of the day before sleeping, or next morning — I’d apologized for my outburst and tantrum.

We no longer talk — the reason was of course, me and my bloody attitude.

Anyway… About that sentence. I’m pretty sure others have told me before but his was just too notable. And since I remembered it coming from him, I’ve decided to count the timeline from then to the present… To see if there is any growth in me since then.

While it is true that I spend more time outside in the real world and may have became slightly sociable… I still feel that I have not progressed individually and that I still possess the traits I had before. Negative traits, might I add.

I think the only thing that changed was the environment and I was put into it. It used to be a world of only me and my own thoughts, my existence was hardly there but ever since I came out to work, it’s like people now have eyes and opinions on me.

In the line of work, I’m doing well to the point of comfort zone. I think people are pretty pissed with how things are going well for me in that area. (Laughs)

As for personal development, as I said, still the same; unable to fully embrace people and lowering my guards to accept others.

It’s so damn difficult especially when you are someone who experienced shit and is able to foresee patterns in life. My downfall is my wits and brains.

Now a lot would argue that being smart is a good thing. Yes, it is.
It gets you to places, it helps you to reach your goals. People… Like smart people. LIKE. Not love.

Why? Maybe it works for others but in my case, people like me for being smart.. Because of the idea of how useful I can be to them. Because of what I could think of to ease their issues and sought for solutions. Now love… Is another thing. If I have a great body; smart and sexy. I become the sexy friend that gets dumped for an innocent and down to earth girl. Now do I possess those along with the emotions and adorableness that summon guys to melt and go weak on their knees? To the point of sincere lovestruck? No, I do not.

I’m stoic, jaded and seemingly a machine who goes by the book.

There you have, an ideal tool that apparently demands no affections in return.

And this leads me to disappointment in others and inability to be happy.

Oh, wait.. I mentioned happy. I was so off track. Ok back to Happy subject.

At the moment, I am having issues (don’t I always) and I know I can take control and make decisions that will make me happy however, my own happiness do not always mean it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, forgoing myself is the best thing to do. Incidents after incidents, I learned that I have to do the right things without my own benefits.

I keep telling myself that I will be happy as long as I am doing the right thing and yet, I find myself being languid thereafter.

Well… I don’t know what exactly he was referring to when he said that to me. Was it my character? My decision making? My way of thinking?

I will never know but it’s not going to stop me from finding and creating happiness — the right and guilty free kind of happiness. Because that is what I want. That is the only way I can be proud of myself and finally be happy with who I made myself to be.

…. Phew… Quite a long winded post?

As usual, I don’t specify the content and everyone is left to wonder what the fuck is this sheep rambling about! (Laughs)

I’m freaking good, and I hope you are too.

PS: To that guy who may read this one day or if ever — hahaha… This is the second post… That has you in it? Keep on living, you meanie. And shut up about my English. :)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 26th, 2015 at 8:50 pm and is filed under Diary of Ashes, Ms Aya's Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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