Standing Among Society

Posted by: Ms Ayain Ms Aya's Papers
11
Mar

Mood: Talkative

Good evening, people.

This is Ms Aya is who selfish at the moment and wishes to babble about her ever ridiculous thoughts.

It’s the kind of post that is filled with ‘me’, ‘I’ and ‘myself’ therefore, if you are one to feel sick reading about another’s ‘should-be’ private thoughts (or attention seeking entry), kindly refrain from proceeding. (Laughs)


Well I should really rethink about the way I am passing my life because at this rate, I don’t see myself standing out among AND with society.

Have you ever felt out of place when you are with people?

I always talk about how I feel left out and all.

Everyone has a group and a role in life whereby they are the protagonist of their life. Of course, we all are our own main characters.

However, I cannot help but to feel that my life is meant to be a mere supporting character.

I’ve never (and not allowed to) stood out in a group as the most liked and favorable individual. I only stood out as the awkward and overly quiet person who doesn’t seem to exist. I was the kind that everyone may applaud to but in the end, they preferred somebody else.

You can also say I’m the kind that plays as the bad guy even though I have no part in anything. It’s like when matters go wrong, the culprit can lie their way out and somehow others will choose them over me.

Mmm.. I think when people want to compare themselves with me, I should answer, “Don’t worry. Even if you lie and resort to despicable means, people will still favor you over me. After all, I am apparently a devil’s child.” (Laughs)

Although weird people do have their charm around things, I seem to only play a role as the ‘syringe’ in which people approach for advice or to dump their sorrows and complaints on.

An example of their start of conversation is something as beneath:

Them: Hey, how are you feeling today?

Me: Not so good. Recently I made a mess and now figuring out how to solve it.

Them: Oh me too. I have this problem bla bla bla, can you help me… bla bla..

Me: (If you wanted to talk about yourself, go right ahead. Don’t have to pretend to care about me as your fucking opening. I’d listen whole heartedly anyway)

 

When I think about it, I have yet to be able to identify or connect myself with main characters in stories, movies and comics. There are a few Geminis but the endings usually went horrible for them.

At first, I thought I was too proud to have a female idol however, it doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s just that I cannot connect and instead, relate myself to minor and nameless characters.

I realized how minor my stance is among people but I thought to myself, “It is ok not to be the main character after all. As long as I have a role and do good.” I never had a birthday dedicated solely to me as my cousin’s was close to mine so we favored him instead. As for friends, never happened.

(Though I thank Fe and Nic for the effort they made when we went to Cameron Highlands say — 2 or 3 years ago?)

As time flew by, it becomes bothersome… More like boring.

You’d start to measure people by their value and evaluate things that you shouldn’t because you are too bored and neglected.

When you leave a bored kid alone, he or she starts to wander for an adventure.

I had adventures, mostly in the form of thoughts.

People always tell me that I need to begin making friends.. which is utterly funny. If they don’t feel comfortable with me, others will feel the same way towards me. They are always depending on someone else to take care of me.

Everyone is telling me to work hard, go for it and move on. They say they believe I’m not doing enough and am living a comfy life.

I never stop fighting and it’s just that I don’t document my chronicles in every 1 hour to remind everyone of the trouble I’m facing here and there. I don’t on daily basis go to people to let them know I’m sick and suffering because there isn’t much help they can offer. Besides, everyone is too busy and to go right up to ask for pity and credit is a low doing.

Am I sure there aren’t anybody for me out there? While you can say I am incredibly selective with people, I have a reason that is — I have been bothered by creepers before. And at those time, I had no one to help me figure things out as they were busy with relationship issues. So I had to independently solve and come up with precautions.

With that, I learned to be sharper and quick to take preventive actions.

Baa… To have a group of your very own friends.. As Alicia has shared her problem in the previous post, it’s a wonder where do one begin — especially with this age when you are out of high school. What happens when you really lose your roots?

Well we can start from college, university and at our work place..

In which I didn’t get much as I worked in a school filled with married people, children and women. I’ve left the place and now out of touch with them (strangely, some of the kids would contact me just to do them favors such as buying presents, give a lift etc).

Sigh..

I’m so bored.

And since there are still time for me to be walking this earth, I should just write a novel entitled, “Life as a Supporting Character” — in dedication for all those who hold the same feelings and negligence. (Laughs)

 

This entry was posted on Monday, March 11th, 2013 at 7:29 pm and is filed under Ms Aya's Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 comments so far

1.  Alicia
March 28th, 2013 at 1:17 am

I actually enjoy reading your writings. I feel like I am here to read about the feelings and thoughts that you would willingly share with us, and as I read your words, I feel like you are talking to me rather than to a group of nameless, faceless individuals. I enjoy doing this.

I understand how you feel about feeling out of place with people – having a room full of people and still feeling alone (sabishi yo~ TT_TT), and to be a “supporting character” for someone else. You said that you felt as though people tended to prefer anyone else over you, which can be hurtful and rejecting. Or that when people initiate something, it trails right back to themselves. I understand that – sometimes I feel that way too, like people are most interested in themselves, and wouldn’t give two glances at someone else unless this someone can benefit them or is judged to be better than them. And because everyone around us act that way and don’t talk about it, we tend to think that we are the only ones feeling this way. That we are the only ones being rejected, excluded, left behind, and then have to take steps to feel better such as making excuses, keeping busy, play video games, shop.

I have pretty much always been an outcast all of growing up too; like I can kinda blend in and be “invisible”, but I would know that I am not part of the group, no matter how well I can fake it. And if you try to change things around, the group members tend to shy away from you or you can feel their disapproval for upsetting the balance of the group/status quo. I have been there too.

However, I do think that at the end of the day, we ARE our own protagonists, we HAVE the LEAD role in our lives, we are the hero, we are the ones in charge. But unlike Spiderman or Batman, we do not become heroes overnight/over-bite/over one loss. It’s the multiple nights, multiple bites, and multiple losses and gains that happen, and the decisions and events that we choose, that will have their role to change us, and we moderate how much change these things have on us. We are works in progress, and we are never the same until the day we die. It’s just whether you wanna let things happen to you, or you to happen to things. It’s okay to be different, and lonely – but you are the lead in your life.

It’s your play. It’s your stage.

2.  Zachary Irlbeck
September 26th, 2013 at 5:48 pm

I also get the feeling of being alone in a group of people. I feel like they would always prefer someone else over me too. I mean I hang out with them for a while and have fun but in the end it doesn’t matter. I am not part of this group. So I wander from group to group belonging to none. I start to wonder if perhaps there is some wron with me. (probably is)

 

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