Mood - Sampat

Warning: This entry contains sheep’s local dialect and language. For overseas readers, you probably won’t understand words and phrases but don’t worry — I’m so eager to send my message so at the bottom of this entry, you’ll find th meanings for words /phrases that are marked with the asterisk sign [*]. On second thoughts, I’m too lazy to translate… What? How come you all can use this excuse but when I use it, I kena condemn like shit 1?

Another warning to be made: This entry is 100% covered in text. I really want to publish my boob shot however, I forgot to bring my cable therefore — Too bad, darlings~ (Laughs)

May I proceed? Of course I can~!

As you all know, I’m now in KL. Sheep is blogging through her brother’s laptop in the hotel.

This afternoon, I went to Mid Valley to do some light shoppings. Initially, I had lots of things that I wanted to buy but as I ventured the whole mall —- Bad memories were dredged up in my little head.

Let me first tell you what happened back in 2004 when I was a secondary 4 student. (I know this happened long ago and I’m still dwelling in it).

There was a guy in my class who once asked me out. I was doing my studies until he sat beside me and asked if I wanted to go to Mid Valley and catch a movie with him. At that time, I was a new student in that school and I had no friends nor had I spoken much to the other students as well.

Anyway, this guy asked me and at first — I thought he was joking. But he somehow got me to believe that he was serious and that he really wanted to hang out on that day itself. Let me tell you first — I was never interested in this guy. He’s no where near my type but the reason I agreed was because I just wanted to make friends and get to know the students here.

After he persuaded me, I finally gave the green lights. However — He scoffed at me saying, “I was just joking lar… I have no money also — Not like you’re going to pay for me right? As if I want to go out with you!”

I then remained at my seat, still dumbfounded about the whole ‘plan’ while he left for his group of friends. It took me awhile to seep in the incident which I slowly developed a strong hatred and shameful at the same time for believing and taking people’s words seriously.

And knowing this guy — From the first day I entered this stupid school, he and his friends had been teasingly and making fun of me in Cantonese, a language which I don’t understand. Maybe I was just imagining the whole thing up, but for the movie part — I’m certain that I did not. In addition to his fucked up asshole behavior, I still helped him wrote his History notes! And he had the cheek to boast about it to his friends, making me look like a dumb ass bitch.

Anyway, I later did not get involved with him even on a friendly basis (probably he didn’t want to associate himself with me either).

The second dreadful memory was in secondary 5, year 2005. There were some classmates that I often hang out and talk to during classes. A few guys and a few girls. One day — They planned to hangout at Mid Valley and invited me to join them. They said they all want to ponteng school on that day and go out together so I thought it will be a good chance to hangout with other students other than always going out alone. So the next day — I didn’t go to school. I woke up early and got ready because I didn’t want to keep them waiting. But slowly, the girls backed out. They were too afraid to skip school.

That said, I text the guys and they really ponteng school. I asked them whether they still want to hangout at Mid Valley regardless the absence of the other girls and they said “Yes, we’re still going. Will meet you there bla bla bla…”

I asked what time are they going there and waited for their reply but to no avail. So I became bold and gave them a phone call and asked if they were serious. Guess what? They insisted they were and kept me waiting on the phone just to get the time of meeting.

I then told them that I’ll go there first and once they’re there, please inform me.

And so, I went there — walked from the condominium to the KTM station and took a train there. I hung around there, patiently waited for their call, tried to contact them but strangely their lines were unavailable and in the end… I felt like an idiot.

I wasn’t hard up to go out with them. I just wanted to keep to my word when I said I’ll be there. I didn’t want to turn my words around or cause people trouble for any sudden decisions. If they were joking, just like the same guy above — Why didn’t they have the guts to say so or tell me directly that they don’t intend to hangout in the first place?

Even if they were joking — Which is the part where I’m suppose to laugh?

Well… Incidentally on that day, I saw the same bastard who ‘joked’ to me about going to th movies with me. I remembered racing to him from the floor beneath but I stopped my tracks and asked myself, “What for? He’s one of those lancau kias..”

I felt very pu ji ba bak that day and if things couldn’t get any worse, while I was walking back to the condominium, some fucking gatal bastard grabbed my ass and ran before I could react. By the time I came to my senses, it started to rain and I had a long way before I could reach to my so-called ‘home’.

The next day when I attended school, they acted as if nothing happened. They even asked my other classmate why I was mad at them and refused to sit with them. There was no sign of remorse nor apology. I really wanted to believe I had a twilight zone moment but no, I didn’t want to lie to myself at the same.

Ever since then, I start to resent hanging out with people. I refused to believe in the good of people. There were many more incidents similar to this that happened but I forgot them and I certainly don’t want to remember them again because it makes me feel stupid, gullible and foolish for wanting to believe in people too much, for not being able to say HELL THE FUCK NOT, NO! to people in need of help — Shit, I feel so disgusted with myself and it haunts me every night.

When I think about it — How come I never whack the shit out of them har? That time I was very unstable ler. Always playing with the scissors and knives, throw myself against the wall. How come hor?

Well… I’m a good person. I take it out on myself rather than on the people who hurt me.

Anyway… Back to the presence… Today — I had the chance to reconfirm my beliefs. I was suppose to meet some guy whom I briefly know. I promised to treat him to a strawberry sundae for that cheap Bleach update and the little info he gave me on a certain topic. I didn’t suggest the treat, he demanded it. In fact, he kept urging me to visit him if I’m coming over to KL.

So today was the day — Where I want to put my words to action for so many reasons.

1. I said to my readers that I will do my best to socialize and make new friends.

2. That I will stop trying and just DO it.

3. Have confidence in myself and take the first step.

4. Be bold!

5. Fulfill my promise about the sundae.

Of course, I didn’t come over to KL solely for this unsub. I came here to attend a seminar but since I’m here today, might as well I keep to my promise right?

In the end, he did not come.

As expected.

If I was who I was last time, I would be damn tu lan and start questioning myself whether I’m a problematic child and for this reason, people are afraid of me. Or maybe I’m fucktard ugly or whatever reasons, you pick one yourself.

But the current me, doesn’t seem to be emotionally affected. In fact, I’m relief to know that I’m not one with problems that hinders people away from me. I came to realize that I have more reasons to love myself for I’m one who keeps to my words and what I’m capable of.

Now I have every reason to isolate myself. So all of you who keep telling me about giving others a chance, bullshit.

I’m not falling for your ‘jokes’ anymore.

Here’s another point of mine that you all should know about jokers.

Jokers are cowards.

They don’t mean what they say depending on how tough their victims are. If you are very timid, they will carry on with their mean jokes on you. But once you stand up for yourself, they will hide behind this fucking line of shit (that should be abolish) — “Just joking!”

Do you feel sad that I’m such a square and literal person? You shouldn’t because it’s a proud trait of mine. Because that means I’m not a liar.

Jokers are liars.

They will tell you things that you might believe but deep down, they are praising their own genius sarcasm that led you to believe in their words and of course, laughing cock at your gullible mind.

Hence, consistently they have diarrhea coming out from their mouths.

Having said that, it doesn’t mean I don’t have any humor. I do. My favorite stand up comedian is Dane Cook. He tells relatively mean jokes but they are true. Go to YouTube, type in “Dane Cook – A Vicious Circle”.

You’ll get what I mean. His jokes aren’t the type where you cheap thrill yourself by making someone believe your crappy words or go all the way to an empty trip.

Walaueh, I still fuming with nabeh-ness ler upon thinking this cockshit lanpa case.

You tell me whether you will feel na lan if you’re in this situation. I don’t know anyone in JB. No social life. And everyone is blaming me for hiding in my house. Now I come out, don’t care who I’m talking to, not degrading anyone — Still — Can kena this kind of shitty people.

Actually I don’t want to blog about this because what for I want to make this drama so public right?

When I think about it properly — When something happens to me, I don’t go to my friends or anyone to bad talk about other people. I feel it’s not right and if I have a problem with that person, I should go directly to that person and tiao him or her.

Then again — Why should I bottle all this and sleep with them? Why must I make my feelings and emotions invisible? Why must I save their faces?

They should be glad that all this while I don’t smack talk behind their backs.. Well… Until now. (Laughs)

Even if I confront them, they probably forgotten all about it because they have many events in their lives. Funny how come they don’t feel any guilt. I can’t sleep properly whenever I do something wrong or did not say what I really wanted and meant to say.

Ka ni na betul.

Ok la. I want to check out my new diary.

If you all not happy with my entry, my opinions and attitude towards this — Go wank yourself senseless.

I never said I was an innocent girl. And you should know by now that I always mean what I say.

Before you throw stones at me, think about yourself you White Sepulchre.

Damn it, I feel like I’m definitely going to Hell after clicking the PUBLISH button.

Do you all feel the same feeling as me whenever you do something bad?

I think NOT.

Toodles~!

PS: BOOYAH! YOU SEE! I’m so freakin right to say that people are trash, liars, schemers and deceivers! Hyenas and cockroaches! MUM! I TOLD YOU SO!

Whoooo~~~~~! And I’m not one of them! I’m a sheep!

PPS: I don’t have anyone to talk to (got, but they don’t have concrete solutions to help and their words are not convincing) so blogging it out is my only way to lash out my frustrations and insanity~

PPS: Don’t tell me you’re different. You are all the same while I am different.

PPS: I’m not perfect. I lied before. But after knowing my mistakes — I’m NOT going to try to be a better person. I WILL BE that ideal person!

PPS: …. Fuck this additional PS.. I want waffles.

One last thing: Don’t tell me you support me. For all I know, so many had said that but none really stuck with me till now. I don’t believe you.